A relationship is the strangest thing. It is such a simple and easy concept to grasp, at least before the relationship happens. Before you enter a relationship for the first time, you have all these beliefs and ideals that have held you steady for several years. There are so many assumptions you make about relationships that you may feel fearful of actually going for one. You only know one way of life, and that is the way you’re brought up. The only people who can conflict with your ideas are friends, and sometimes family members. Family members typically have a better understanding and thus a mutual agreement to your opinions because they raised you.
And then she comes into your life. I imagine there is a female audience reading this, so just replace every “she/her” with “he/him.” The overarching meaning will basically be the same…
She comes into your life. While she is everything you’d imagine her to be, from the mindset and shared culture to the looks and style, there are some aspects of her that challenge your own beliefs. When you realize you’d do anything to hold onto her, and never again lose her as foolishly as you did, you will slightly alter your attitudes and temperament to keep her. Because in the end, she becomes your reason and purpose and you want her to be part of your family. I guess that’s a more farfetched than I originally hoped.
--Honestly, I began writing this entry last night, but then went to watch a movie, so there may be slight differences than my original thoughts. Sigh. --
Okay, back to the original idea. I think my fault is that she is my first girlfriend. Maybe I’m holding onto her too strongly, or too tightly. Perhaps I’m regarding her more than I should. In this respect, I’m just an amateur attempting to use all my gathered knowledge from media and watching other couples to my experience as a friend and good guy to be an OK boyfriend. I guess I should discuss something I’ve wanted to discuss long ago about relationships and maybe this will all make sense.
Way back in the day, I thought I knew how to avoid relationships.
Method #1: Just don’t befriend any girls. Which sounds difficult, but it’s actually not quite that difficult. Just understand that if you become friends with a girl, you may get close. And then you will get into a relationship and while many guys would want to date the hot girl, dump her and go for the next best thing to come around. Perhaps back then I had it wrong. But I really didn’t want a relationship. I mean there were a lot of really attractive girls back then, and I knew if I had gotten to know them that something might happen. Other reasons came around as well. It was my belief that all relationships fail at the end. I really don’t care if people get married or whatnot; people can cheat their way through something. So why even bother becoming something more when staying friends is perfectly fine? Besides, I knew that if I dated anyone not Chinese that I would have to breakup with her eventually. Other than building something meaningful, maybe people go into a relationship looking for something temporary and just gaining experience. So I decided to become that small awkward loner boy who just went on with his life and had a close group of friends. But that often times these beliefs never work…
Method #2: Sideline Guy? I’m not sure I’m using this word in the correct context. According to this dating coach Vanae, a sideline guy is basically the guy who is always available for the girl and willing to do mostly anything for her at any given moment. But she’s not his. The catch? She’s already taken. Which is perfect for me, I guess. Personally, I don’t think much about the whole nice guys finish last concept. The thing is I don’t care if I finish last. I think the sideline guy syndrome became more prevalent in college. Although my first semester began with me still in the just don’t befriend any girls, I think I learned ways around it. I enjoyed helping people. Sometimes friends would ask for help. I think one of the best strategies I pulled was being friends with people who were already in a relationship. In this manner, I could sit aside and talk with girls without having fear of anything else deepening further. Then, well I guess there was always fear that I would come in conflict of those relationships. And then, I pull away.
So those are the 2 methods for me to avoid a relationship. Then I met someone who changed my viewpoints. I guess at the beginning, when we first met, it seemed slightly easy to maintain both methods of avoiding a girlfriend. Perhaps I wanted to be her friend more than anything. She would be my first real Chinese friend.
I am the weirdest person in this relationship. Maybe I’m the only guy who does it, and it’s only to keep me sane. I’m so used to holding onto memories, good or bad, so I can remember. Perhaps holding onto the bad memories is not healthy, but for some reason I have to. Maybe I will make more rational decisions by reflecting on the past. I don’t know. The past is always confusing.
Where we end up in the present is determined by our past. And what we want from our futures is based on the decisions we make in the present. If you do not want the mistakes of the past conflicting with your future, then your decisions in the present are vital. Thus you look at the past. It’s a huge cycle!
I think nature is annoying sometimes because, up until now, I’ve never been programmed to want anything more than what you are given. This is too public of a domain to discuss this subject, but I’m just saying that people are f’d up. They desire too much, even when nature does not require it. The sad thing is time. In the previous posts, I’ve mentioned that the time we have spent together seems much longer than it has. This past Saturday was out 2-month anniversary. On average, we see each other for 3 hours a day. Then there is Saturday when I don’t see her, unless I’m lucky. A lot of times I feel bad for her situation and the strict schedule placed on her. Anyways, I love the time we can spend together. From the moment she gets off work to the time she leaves, time moves too fast. Then when we are apart, time slows down considerably to a dull tempo. It’s almost like watching rice grow. Sitting there does not make the rice grow faster, but when the rice is ready to be eaten it’s gone in the blink of an eye.
I love spending time with her. It really kills me to hear her voice on the phone but not being there with her, or vise-versa. Relationships are strange in that manner. Why is it that we yearn for more than what we are given? It seems rather selfish to satisfy our physical desires more than our need to nourish our emotional and mental needs. I wonder what would happen if a person, who is isolated for his entire life and has no knowledge of the outside world, ever develops the urge for longing. In The Epic of Gilgamesh, Enkidu’s physical needs are filled when he is met by a prostitute. Before meeting her, he had no desire or intention to mate and could live freely amongst the animals.
Peter Pan may be another great example. As a perpetual young boy, does he ever have the desire for physical bonding? All he does is fight pirates and sort of kidnaps Wendy as a motherly figure. She unwittingly becomes infatuated with him and falls in love, but he remains childlike and rejects her. When she realizes that her efforts are not returned, she leaves Neverland and returns to adulthood.
Where am I going with this? Two vastly different stories from two vastly different eras. I don’t know. I wonder how selfish it is to hold onto something not because you don’t want to lose it again, but afraid what will happen when you do let go. We had a small conversation yesterday about something similar to this. Sometimes I ask her questions that may seem impossible or ridiculous, but I think this is just me seeing if her thoughts match mine. The question comes from the Simpsons’ episode, Regarding Margie. Basically, let’s say the love of your life forgot you. Only you. She remembers everyone else, and they give her honest feedback about you. But no matter how hard she tries, even from looking at photos, video and written messages, she can’t remember. I told her I would never stop trying to get her to remember me. I would win her back from the beginning. At the end of my persistence, would she remember or would she push me away? Who would give up first? That guy in The Notebook remained with his ailing wife till the end. I’m not exactly sure who I’m trying to be. If people categorize me as the nice guy, that’s good.
I’m just trying to be me. Well I have jumped around a bit much today. There is more, but I think that story will come another day.
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