Tomorrow's Sunrise

10:00 PM. She hasn't texted or messaged me. Hopefully she is having a good time...lol...I shouldn't actually be thinking about her anyways...
After a few days, I feel like I be worst or just as bad as the last one. Because of what I mentioned before in the last post about the ex, I shouldn't be contacting her anymore. But I feel compelled to stay her friend. That feeling is still there and, for the first time, I have that feeling. Actually, I think that feeling has developed only when I deny the fact that I will never be able to get the girl. When I believe there is hope that she can be mine, especially when she won't be mine, that pain comes.
When she was mine, I didn't think I'd lose her and that feeling wasn't as strong. I used to think that, without that feeling, I didn't truly feel anything. But I think I'm beginning to understand that hope for a love that can't happen is more emotional and critical than having something because when you have someone, you don't have to worry as much. Or there may be worry she will leave or cheat on you, but I don't doubt her intentions.
Let's see...well it happened when she told me she was going to hang out with someone, who I met briefly. Being me, I couldn't tell her how I felt. Not at the beginning. I just want her to be happy, and spend time with people who she hasn't had a chance to see. We promised to be each other's friends and go to each other for help or guidance. When her mind or heart is out of balance, I'm there for her. She asked me if I wanted to join her, and I declined. I didn't want to be, what I told her, as the third wheel. In a comedic manner (I thought) I sent her a definition of the term. The thing is, I don't know how to continue being myself with her without doing the things I enjoy most. Last night, when her class ended, I texted her asking if she wanted company. She said if I was free and I crazily searched for my keys to longboard down. I couldn't find my keys, and when I told her this she called me and asked me not to longboard down just to see her since she would leave soon.
What is it with me? My housemate actually explained to me that I have to decide what I want and ask myself if what I am doing is appropriate. Am I going to see her to patch things up or am I going down as a friend? It's hard to say...I want to be her friend again. That person who randomly shows up to keep you company and do things for you just because I can, and yet with her it would feel strange if I appeared. Idk...this morning we talked a bit online and she told me that "we are purely friends." At first I thought she meant she and I, but she meant she and her friend. Maybe it's just me...I thought about how quickly she went to see this guy. It makes me wonder about what would have happened if we never broke up. Did she plan on seeing him today, or was it a spontaneous thing? Sigh...eh...I don't know. Maybe it's just too soon to think about. I don't know why I'm feeling miserable...I'm the one who broke it off. Maybe because she found someone so quickly or just...something else. Jealousy? I wonder...actually...how to create happiness for someone. There that feeling goes again. See, I had this discussion about happiness. Whose happiness is more important? Maybe both our happinesses. Should she find happiness in another, then it is my responsibility to support her decision. Her happiness is something of importance.
My friends ask me...well let's forget that subject. Sigh...I keep jumping back and forth between Facebook, Gchat and here hoping she will be there. Perhaps she doesn't have the laptop...perhaps she is still out. I highly doubt the latter, and yet my phone remains silent. Why am I worrying so much? She is no longer mine...why am I still thinking of her? Could I be just as bad as the last one? Sigh...well actually this blog began at 10:00, but I've been thinking of her all day. Wow I'm crazy...I really am. Time to start looking for someone to take my mind off her...haha I have no idea who to talk to...anyways yeah, 10:50. I went longboarding earlier. Adrenaline tends to clear my mind...sigh...forgot to buy something but I don't think I have a chance to get it now...oh I know where I can get something similar...whee