Weights

I wonder how much weight the heart can take before it breaks. Not physical weight. You could crush a heart instantly with a few pounds! Actually I'm not even sure how much would crush the heart, but I'm not motivated enough to Google it.

Anyways I hope you realized I'm not talking about that. It's more like this. At the beginning of time, I used to think guys were real assholes. So I didn't want to be an asshole. I wanted to be the nice guy. But nothing ever came out of that. I used to think girls were sweet and innocent. They were just tormented by asshole guys. In some cases, that is very true. But now I'm not so sure. After college, you learn quite a bit. And I think you can get this same experience in high school, except I kinda missed out.

After typing for a bit, I realized a lot of what I'm talking about it related to older posts. Which, I guess is due to me trying to summarize everything so this post makes sense in case you never read the previous entries.

A little over a week ago, I had an argument with my girlfriend. It didn't begin as an argument. It began with her asking me a question and I gave her my honest opinion. Which I could tell she didn't like my response, but sometimes what you want to hear is not what you need to hear. And she took my opinion very, very hard. It was like, denying a child a cookie at the grocery store because of lack of money or just parenting. She left in a hurry around 10:15, and I had to attend a BBQ at 11, but she left her phone in my room. So, doing the sort of thing I do: I drive to her home. She told me she was going home, so that's where I could find her. Nope. I drive to her work. Nope. Drive back to her home. Nope.

So actually, well, I had to text my friend and tell her that I would be late and kept pushing the time back further and further. Traffic sucked that morning. Who is driving at 11:00 in the morning? Aren't people supposed to work? Well...BBQ yadda yadda then I went to her work to give her the phone. She wasn't there, but her sister was. Later that night, she texted me saying she had her phone. Still, I felt something else was on her mind but at the time, I didn't want to get too much into it. See, I feel that she will never be able to open up completely to me, and I don't know why. I always ask her what's on her mind, and she smiles saying nothing.

After work, she said she missed me and she was a ghost and all this great cute stuff that told me, "Tommy, she's doing okay now." So, with happy thoughts, I went to bed. I woke up the next day, about to go out for the day and she wish me a good day. I was overjoyed. Realizing I needed to clip my nails, I went to get the clippers and found a note on the floor. Not something I left there. With a glance at the folded sheet, my heart sank. I'm not going to discuss what the paper said. If you fell in love with a someone and she took all the happiness out of your soul, then you can write your own words onto the paper.

We sort of argued over the phone when I mentioned the letter to her. She desperately explained the paper, trying to excuse the paper and how it didn't mean anything and it was an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. She wrote it in Chinese as not to embarrass me. It was meant to be on the door, but she was let into the apartment. And she asks me how that note hurt me so much.

The thing is we've broken up multiple times. She said she wanted to see me. She was sorry. And I told her that I will see her again when she appreciates me more than I appreciate her. And she was sad. I know it. But I'm not even sure why she was this sad. It is me who should be in pain. She asked to see me. And...being a VERY VERY SOFT HEARTED GUY (as I have come to learn) I went and saw her. And we talked. And made up, but I don't think I can be the same. Honestly I don't know what she sees in me. She says she loves me, and yet I don't know how much truth is there. We argue so much. We had this talk online. Actually...I can't remember how it started very well. I do remember we got into a really heated argument. She mentioned that she is afraid I will break up with her for something small, like the note. And she asked to change the subject to something lighter. I did and she goes back to something more complex, and I felt so accused with everything she asked me. Vicky. Janey. Those two girls in the past.

And now I'm thinking if there was ever a day that went by that year we weren't friends when she thought about me? Because I thought about her every fucking day. I was tormented by her. It seems as though nothing I do is appreciated. Maybe it meant more when we were just friends. Now I feel like I have to up myself every moment.

Now we get to the near present. The other day I was joking with her and made a kind of rude comment. I didn't think much of it because I was joking, but after I saw her reaction I realized she was very hurt. And I understood why the joke hurt her so much, and I felt so guilty. She said she knows me and my personality, but I could feel something wrong. I apologized again through a text, and she responds by saying, "Don't upset me again."

I don't know what's going on. Today I needed to go to Kohl's to look at jeans and asked her if she wanted to come along. She said sure and she gets out of work at 3:00. But then she said she had work until 5, or later, and we had to cancel. Now it is 5:34 and she has not gotten off work. At least I don't think so. Our text during her break was short lived. Everything is short lived now. I feel that she thinks I'm dating her because there is no other girl here. I feel she has the same reason for dating me. I really care about her, and yet it doesn't seem like I can show her my feelings. In any way, shape or form. I told her things I remember, and she doesn't remember saying some things. So is it my memory that has changed or been altered? Or just created?

I think guys work too hard to impress girls. When I first knew her, I burned her about 13 CDs with music. When I tried to impress Vicky, I made her a Flash animation. With Janey, I told her about my parents and gave her my number if she needed any help. Some people. It's like guys will do anything to impress girls. Not for their own benefit, but just to see a girl smile. And girls don't really appreciate what they have; they simply want more. Well some girls. Others it might not be like that. I really don't want to generalize. The hardest thing that morning when I found the note was contemplating a break up. I don't think she really understands me the way I understand her. It was the hardest thing to put the treasures she gave me into a box. I don't think she understands how difficult it is for me to see her every time we are on the verge of a breakup, or even after a breakup, and when we get back together. I'm sure she finds it difficult and hard every time as well, but I don't know if she appreciates having me. In some instances...I don't know anymore. I don't think she cares about me, but just having a boyfriend. Sigh...and I think my personality works great with that, because of these reasons:

1. I love her.
2. I'm a nice guy
3. I don't want to lose her again
4. I don't want to hurt her.
5. I'm waiting to see how much my heart can take.

I don't know now...if my heart has taken all it can and just rejects the rest or I'm just learning to make space...

Society Sucks

Society always has these weird standards for people in life. Media gives people way too many double standards. We are so captivated and indulged in what the media tells us to be. And yet when it comes to reality, we are blamed for following media too much. I don't know if it is me or something else, but when I grew up no one wanted to be that nice guy who finishes last. Everyone was moving with society and doing all the things that, for the longest time, I thought were not ethically or morally correct. Or just too mature for me. Getting a girlfriend at age 12. Sex at age 13. Drinking at 14. Then so on and so forth. And for some reason, I didn't want to do this. I really didn't. Even though society always portrays this as having fun and a good time, guaranteeing to get the girl, it just didn't amuse me. This was back when Scary Movie taught us about house parties and promiscuity. Brittany Spears was a naughty Catholic school girl. And to get underneath all that we patiently waited for the dial up internet connection to bring us still images of naked women.

Well, not to say that I wasn't intrigued by it all, but I really didn't feel right about the whole partying and getting into girls' pants and stuff. I found it really disrespectful to myself and women. It just felt like women should be treated more respectfully. For all my life that's how I thought women wanted to be treated: with respect. Over the course of my life, I kinda realized that's not so true. Sometimes you'll hear them complain after a breakup what a jerk that guy was, but then they go back. Maybe it was because there were a lack of nice guys in the world so they could only go for the bad guy. But I'm a nice guy and I never got the girl.

Bad guys have a lot of traits going for them. Assertiveness. Confidence. All those alpha male type traits. Um this is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo I realized. My girlfriend and I were having this discussion...sort of. The discussion didn't really lead anywhere. I had told her that I liked being the nice guy throughout my many years, and she mentioned something about that is not what girls are after. I can't remember what her response was about what girls want, but he isn't the nice guy. Which made me realize that I'm not the bad boy because I want to girl. I'm not a bad boy cause I'm not a dick. I'm not so sure if you have to be a dick to be the bad boy, but basically I'm not the kind of person who will assertively push myself onto a girl or force her to make decisions she will ultimately regret. Sigh relationships are weird. I think I'm a friends-only kinda person. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my girlfriend. Though sometimes what we do seems repetitive. But the thing is is her outlook on relationships. Because, as the guy, I'm supposed to make the decisions. I'm the one who is supposed to make the calls and buy the presents. And it all seems sort of redundant at times. Actually it'd be great if she made plans. It has nothing to do with the guy being be the one making the decisions.

I think she needs the uber-dominant-alpha male who is going to step up and say, "Hey, we're going sky diving," then force a parachute on her and jump out of a plane. I mean....sigh...it's really weird saying this on here, but I feel like I'm always being compared and contrasted to her previous relationships. It sucks. This is kind of a dumb example, but parallel parking. I can parallel park my van like a boss. Every night I basically have to parallel park. Perfect every time. And yet I can't do it when she is in the car. That's a bad example. But...well the other day we were going to see Harry Potter 7 at the theaters but it was no longer out. And, we were rushing there and I wanted to give her something before we saw the movie. When we found out the movie was no longer showing, I gave her gift. And it felt like that, before I gave it to her, I was waiting for the right moment. I thought about the fair, but I became really anxious. After the first time experiencing her reaction about not getting her present in a long time, I didn't want her to be angry again. Especially when I had the present...just waiting for the right time. Sigh...it's strange. I want to be able to do these great things for her in my way, but it feels like that's not the correct way to do it. People always plan things in secret but the timing is never right. We always hope for the best and perfect outcome and yet...it doesn't work.

The worst thing is the inability to change the past. I can't remember a day since we've dated that I've never thought about her previous relationship. It frightens me the number of times I think about it and how it ended our friendship about two years ago. Sometimes I forget why it ended our friendship. When we began as friends, I did a lot of nice things for her. Now that I think about it, I doubted any of it attracted her attention. It's really depressing. Sigh. It depresses me a lot. I see the pictures of the past, from the apple picking to her trip to NYC. Every memory and event and exchange I have from that year haunts me. I don't know why it lingers on me so closely. Before we dated, I never took it into as much consideration as I do now.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this now is because she texted me this morning asking to spend some time apart. The thing is is that she and her family have some misunderstandings, at least from my understanding. And that's great for her to spend more time with her family. It's just that now I feel there is something more to it. Something she is afraid to tell me. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

If being a nice guy doesn't get the girl, then fuck that. I don't care. I'm a nice guy because it's better to be single and morally and ethically at peace with the world than to be a pretentious asshole who dominates and overwhelms people for selfish satisfaction.

Tomorrow's Sunrise

10:00 PM. She hasn't texted or messaged me. Hopefully she is having a good time...lol...I shouldn't actually be thinking about her anyways...
After a few days, I feel like I be worst or just as bad as the last one. Because of what I mentioned before in the last post about the ex, I shouldn't be contacting her anymore. But I feel compelled to stay her friend. That feeling is still there and, for the first time, I have that feeling. Actually, I think that feeling has developed only when I deny the fact that I will never be able to get the girl. When I believe there is hope that she can be mine, especially when she won't be mine, that pain comes.
When she was mine, I didn't think I'd lose her and that feeling wasn't as strong. I used to think that, without that feeling, I didn't truly feel anything. But I think I'm beginning to understand that hope for a love that can't happen is more emotional and critical than having something because when you have someone, you don't have to worry as much. Or there may be worry she will leave or cheat on you, but I don't doubt her intentions.
Let's see...well it happened when she told me she was going to hang out with someone, who I met briefly. Being me, I couldn't tell her how I felt. Not at the beginning. I just want her to be happy, and spend time with people who she hasn't had a chance to see. We promised to be each other's friends and go to each other for help or guidance. When her mind or heart is out of balance, I'm there for her. She asked me if I wanted to join her, and I declined. I didn't want to be, what I told her, as the third wheel. In a comedic manner (I thought) I sent her a definition of the term. The thing is, I don't know how to continue being myself with her without doing the things I enjoy most. Last night, when her class ended, I texted her asking if she wanted company. She said if I was free and I crazily searched for my keys to longboard down. I couldn't find my keys, and when I told her this she called me and asked me not to longboard down just to see her since she would leave soon.
What is it with me? My housemate actually explained to me that I have to decide what I want and ask myself if what I am doing is appropriate. Am I going to see her to patch things up or am I going down as a friend? It's hard to say...I want to be her friend again. That person who randomly shows up to keep you company and do things for you just because I can, and yet with her it would feel strange if I appeared. Idk...this morning we talked a bit online and she told me that "we are purely friends." At first I thought she meant she and I, but she meant she and her friend. Maybe it's just me...I thought about how quickly she went to see this guy. It makes me wonder about what would have happened if we never broke up. Did she plan on seeing him today, or was it a spontaneous thing? Sigh...eh...I don't know. Maybe it's just too soon to think about. I don't know why I'm feeling miserable...I'm the one who broke it off. Maybe because she found someone so quickly or just...something else. Jealousy? I wonder...actually...how to create happiness for someone. There that feeling goes again. See, I had this discussion about happiness. Whose happiness is more important? Maybe both our happinesses. Should she find happiness in another, then it is my responsibility to support her decision. Her happiness is something of importance.
My friends ask me...well let's forget that subject. Sigh...I keep jumping back and forth between Facebook, Gchat and here hoping she will be there. Perhaps she doesn't have the laptop...perhaps she is still out. I highly doubt the latter, and yet my phone remains silent. Why am I worrying so much? She is no longer mine...why am I still thinking of her? Could I be just as bad as the last one? Sigh...well actually this blog began at 10:00, but I've been thinking of her all day. Wow I'm crazy...I really am. Time to start looking for someone to take my mind off her...haha I have no idea who to talk to...anyways yeah, 10:50. I went longboarding earlier. Adrenaline tends to clear my mind...sigh...forgot to buy something but I don't think I have a chance to get it now...oh I know where I can get something similar...whee

Hypocrit Finds a Loophole...

So it's happened. For all intents and purposes, it's my fault. Whatever you may hear, it is my fault that it happened. Neither of us harbored any resentment. It was just something I've been considering for a while, not that I was losing any feelings for her. I just thought we were drifting apart because sometimes the conversations would start to become forced or I'd retell the same joke or story. It makes me wonder now how do couples last so long in their marriage? People say it's love, but it has to be a lot more than that. Since we ended on a positive note, I haven't lost any feelings for her. Even after...well that's just a personal side topic.

Let's get this straight, ok? This is not a "it's you, it's me" sort of deal nor is it "I think we should start seeing other people." Actually, this is me saying I'm not good enough for you because compared to me and your dreams, I am financially incapable of helping you attain your dreams. I know there are many more things that could make this list, but that's the one big one. Maybe I have the passion and the drive to support and even cheer you to get everything you want, but I'm just a, well, loser. Haha! Can you believe it? The guy takes the blame wholeheartedly!

Sigh...because of that last paragraph I forgot what this entry is supposed to be about. Um...oh I remember now. The loophole. So this is the loophole. Back in the day, I never wanted to be in a relationship because I knew that you could never be friends once you broke up. So why even begin something that will inevitably end? I valued friendship very highly. Then I met someone who helped me look past my mis-perceptions. I found someone I treated more than a friend, but I still had one part of my mindset that I wanted to preserve. If anything were to happen, I waned to keep her as a friend, but that would be asking for too much. As our relationship continued, with an exchange of braided bracelets and a beautiful wool scarf, I learned some things about relationships and a deep understanding about the ex-factor. Sometimes I wondered why can't people remain friends after they break up. One of my friends said that she would still be friends with her ex because of what they once had and the memories they created. But after time, I understood another perspective. How can you manage to watch your ex kiss, hold hands and exchange gifts with another person while you sit on the side and just be a friend?

For me, I know I'm not an a-typical bad person. Sure I've done some unforgivable things, but I know I wouldn't blatantly go harm someone. Even my ex. Or her new lover. Maybe I wouldn't. The thing is, before this relationship I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Again, I was wrong. I guess I am asking for too much when I tell her that I'll still be there if she needs help or anything. I told her that if she chooses to go downtown or needs help with anything, she can call me. I'll be there to help her. To protect her. Sigh...what kind of guy am I? I honestly don't want anything in return except for her unquestionable safety.

Would it be different if we said things to harm another, even though they would be lies? That way I wouldn't have to ask her to call me for help and she wouldn't do the same? Have I asked for too much to continue being her friend? Today...I sent her a text at lunch because I thought she'd be working somewhere. Before I sent the text, I thought it would be a bad idea.

Give it time, Tommy.
You shouldn't text her.
You might hurt her.
But she told you to remain her friend and not turn into the Tommy from 2-3 years ago.
Yes, but you can't be friends after a relationship.
Can I be the only exception though?
You are really selfish, Tommy...

Then she didn't reply, and every bold thought highlighted above went through my mind. I should have let go. Wow, 4/7 things up there said I should leave her alone. That's a pretty...well I don't know. Actually...I don't know. We are supposed to meet up next Saturday for an art exhibit. I brought it up. Because, well, we're just friends, right? Is that so bad? Sigh...I have no idea. Maybe it's just the post-breakup mindset now that still retains those feelings for her. I've slowly released everyone I've had a crush on in the past, and not because of some courageous or heroic act. It's because...I think the feelings for her are more genuine. Sigh sigh sigh!

This is the loophole. The ex wants to remain friends but he knows that it shouldn't even happen. Why shouldn't it happen? Because yesterday, after we broke up, we continued hanging out together. And it took so much not to hug her. I slipped up by patting her back. Hitting each other with sticks (playfully). Then...well yeah, it's just like that. It's so hard not to grab her and not let go.

Another continued...

This blog has been a plague on my mind. I’ve released too many feelings on here…too many personal thoughts. What used to be an escape and way for me to organize my thoughts has turned into one of the last venues for me to talk to you. It’s sad, I think. I’m not sure what exactly what is so sad. Maybe I feel that we are drifting away, yet neither of us has the courage to say the words. I don’t know why. I don’t want to hurt her, and maybe she feels the same. Is it better to hold onto something based on feelings, or is it better to let go of the one you love so she finds happiness? From when I first met her until now, she seems different. She felt more joyous when I first met her, so lively and her mind was clear. Now, after befriending me again, she seems void of life.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Without her, I feel lifeless and always have one thought on mind. With her, life is kinda still. I’m not sure what it is. Sometimes we come upon really great subjects in which we get into a great discussion, but then she stops. I am not exactly the brightest person. Most times I need guidance. Maybe I need too much guidance, and that is one thing I failed to mention in the last post. Because I missed out on dating, and became a loner, I just missed out and need to regain about ten years of experience. It’s strange. I felt that, if I remained myself and did the moral and correct thing, I could please everyone. But perhaps that does not work out with giving a girl what she wants. Eh…I don’t know. I would love it if she would be more open with me…get angry with me, tell me everything she’s feeling and knows. Maybe she’s afraid that if she gets angry with me, I’ll get angry with her and in turn do something horrible. I don’t think I could…not with her. I’ve gotten so mad and lost my temper with so many people in the past for the smallest of things. There may be reasons I could get angry with her, but I can’t. I guess I do treat her very differently than anyone else, and that is because I don’t want to lose her. Even if were only friends. Sigh…this is just a strange thought…sigh…sigh…and another sigh…

Americanism? Or universalism? Or Chinese-ism?

Life is very strange. I don’t know how I was able to skip out on life as the majority of my peers. Maybe it was fear of what may come if I took chances and made mistakes that stopped me from enjoying some aspects of life. That’s not to say I didn’t have a fortunate childhood. I was very fortunate as a child. But the thing is, most kids try things that they will get in trouble for, but never punished. For me, life was about staying safe and not getting into too much trouble in which I couldn’t afford the consequences. Maybe I was a safe child.

I remember the life of junior high quite well. This is the age I learned to swear. It’s strange learning to swear. Even though I never heard the words before, I already knew “asshole” had more impact than calling someone “stupid.” I don’t know why I began to swear; maybe it had to do with adapting to the culture. 1 out of 8 people were in a relationship. I’m not sure why I didn’t follow my friends and jump into a relationship. I felt kinda strange around this age, because girls became more attractive and ever friendlier. I also became more and more shy and hung out with some people not exactly in the popular crowd because I kinda felt bad for these people. It was actually just one person. People still liked me; they didn’t care much for him.

But the thing is, I don’t know whether my actions or lack of action are because of my Chinese background, cultural beliefs, personal morale or just something else entirely. At that time, I may have been able to get a girlfriend. Maybe not. Who knows? Some girls acted quite friendly with me.

Okay, this post is not about my previous love lives or how I feel about love. The thing is, a lot of my peers throughout high school partied and just got more involved with doing illegal and otherwise dangerous activities. People referenced drugs and the usage that I had no idea what they were talking about. I actually had no idea people actually partied in high school because I was the loner kid who didn’t have many friends. Sure, people knew me, but I was never invited to parties. People dated, drank, had sex, smoked and wow I was surrounded by all this. Maybe at that time, I was more reserved and never talked or asked anyone about drugs and parties. I really didn’t have time for that sort of thing. There can’t be any cultural context behind it, can there? I was actually part of the Chinese party scene for about an hour last time I went to China. These guys were leaving the school and there was a party for them. Teachers were invited, along with myself and my brother and everyone drank 40-ounce Budweisers. Local bands did covers of famous Chinese songs and it was a good time. Maybe I’m generalizing, but partying may be a universal concept. Even the honor students, the most popular kids, held parties. People you’d never expect went to these events and it shocked me to see the photos on Facebook.

Or I could have been too worried about my brothers’ expectation of me if I went and partied. During college, I lived on campus. Hoping to start fresh and new, I actually spent the first month as a loner. I became close to some of the guys in my dorm, and after a month I finally asked them to take me to a party. So my first Thirsty Thursday commenced. Of course I knew what the alcohol was doing to me back then when I first drank, but I didn’t let it completely take over me. While girls from my dorm screamed, “Omigosh, it’s Tommy!” I kept my distance. Drinking and hugging them felt kinda weird. I didn’t want to let the alcohol make me do something I’d regret. Even the morning after was awkward when one of the girls asked how I was doing. She was a girl I had a major crush on for about two years, but I never made a move. Here I am going back to the love thing. I think love is a big factor for me. It’s a huge risk, in my opinion. After some parties, we’d go back and the guys would snort drugs. They’d ask me, “Tommy, are you uncomfortable with this?” Slightly uncomfortable, but I just watched. Then they’d grind shrooms, roll joints and all that good stuff.

Freshman year definitely softened me up. During the day I remained a shy guy. At night, I loosened up. I thought this was my way to find an excuse to let myself be normal. Because when I was with friends in high school, I would act nuts all the time, but with unfamiliar crowds I got shy and quiet. The first night I drank, with only 3 beers, I did go nuts. I knew people went crazy after drinking, so I could do the same. One way it would be real; on the other hand, it would just me the real me. I apologized profusely to girls I liked, telling them that I wouldn’t be as talkative or social. They brushed that off. But I continued drinking to make myself less reserved. It was good. The odd part was when people did drugs. I didn’t do it. Until I watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and thought smoking marijuana would be the same as drinking beer. I could control it. Boy was I wrong.

But all these things are not so bad in my mind. I’m not damaging anyone. People may say, “You’re hurting yourself!” I’m really not. I’m pretty preserved and control myself quite well. That’s because I’m a lightweight and don’t want to waste money on too much. But by this age, everyone has done worst things. People have made out and even had sex by my age. Um, where am I going with this? I’ve only done one, and even the first time I felt extremely guilty. Each time because I was not in love with the girl. I always thought of someone else, even though the person I thought of and I weren’t dating or anything. Have you ever gotten that? You are making out with someone and your true love in actually on your mind? Perhaps in the moment you can’t control your physical needs, but immediately afterwards you regret it. You feel the urge to apologize to the one you love, but she doesn’t even know your feelings? It probably sounds stupid to feel that you are cheating on someone who isn’t even yours. The person I made out said that the relationship between me and her has no feeling, so it doesn’t matter. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m far too ridged with my beliefs.

So I think I’ve reached the overarching idea of my thesis: what is Americanized and what is basic instinct? I’m not talking about the movie. I’m wondering what does it mean to actually be Americanized? Does it consist of all the partying and living the worry-free life or is that a part of basic instinct? Are humans designed to indulge in pleasure or is that just the development of a new culture? I don’t know. People drink to have a good time; others drink to forget. I know why I drink, and that is to satisfy a mental need. But why do other things? Drugs? Why aren’t the natural stimulants in life, the positive and non-lethal enjoyments, not enough to satisfy our physical and mental desires? Everything from our childhood worked extremely well to satisfy our needs.

Well just now… my close friend…and I had a discussion. It was a rather simple topic: me, and how much I’ve changed from her initial perspective of me. Now, I hate saying “close friend” because she is my girlfriend, from what I’m aware of, and yet it seems like we are falling away from each other. Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt me by saying one thing, but on the other hand there may be something pushing us away from each other. I don’t know what it is…but this isn’t about that. This is something else. She said that I’ve changed and no longer the typical Chinese boy she thought I was, and I don’t know what a Chinese girl wants. Which are both true and confusing. One hand, I really don’t know what a typical Chinese guy is like. After she told me to read, I found some articles on Google to help me figure out what a typical Chinese guy is like. She told me it’s wrong. A lot of what I read do reflect who I used to be.

I was the really shy and quiet guy. I still am today, but maybe some things about me are more confident. She taught me to be more confident with her. I guess…you really can’t go back to being the guy who was shy or afraid of holding her hand. Other things. I used to bring her food from the café or just bring her food in general. That didn’t happen as often when we moved in together. But apparently that is not it. I’m not sure what it is that made me change, but is it necessarily a Chinese boy thing? Could it just be someone being a person? I think it’s more about when you are comfortable with someone, any restraints and inhibitions go away.

Next I don’t know what a girl wants. I really don’t. To be loved, felt safe and secure? I’m not really sure what a woman wants. Pleasure? Something more physical? I have no idea. I thought laughter was the best medicine, but apparently not. But then I’m not exactly sure what to talk about. Sigh…I don’t know. Well…ugh I don’t know. I really don’t know.

The Tighter the Squeeze, The Easier it Slips...

A relationship is the strangest thing. It is such a simple and easy concept to grasp, at least before the relationship happens. Before you enter a relationship for the first time, you have all these beliefs and ideals that have held you steady for several years. There are so many assumptions you make about relationships that you may feel fearful of actually going for one. You only know one way of life, and that is the way you’re brought up. The only people who can conflict with your ideas are friends, and sometimes family members. Family members typically have a better understanding and thus a mutual agreement to your opinions because they raised you.

And then she comes into your life. I imagine there is a female audience reading this, so just replace every “she/her” with “he/him.” The overarching meaning will basically be the same…

She comes into your life. While she is everything you’d imagine her to be, from the mindset and shared culture to the looks and style, there are some aspects of her that challenge your own beliefs. When you realize you’d do anything to hold onto her, and never again lose her as foolishly as you did, you will slightly alter your attitudes and temperament to keep her. Because in the end, she becomes your reason and purpose and you want her to be part of your family. I guess that’s a more farfetched than I originally hoped.

--Honestly, I began writing this entry last night, but then went to watch a movie, so there may be slight differences than my original thoughts. Sigh. --

Okay, back to the original idea. I think my fault is that she is my first girlfriend. Maybe I’m holding onto her too strongly, or too tightly. Perhaps I’m regarding her more than I should. In this respect, I’m just an amateur attempting to use all my gathered knowledge from media and watching other couples to my experience as a friend and good guy to be an OK boyfriend. I guess I should discuss something I’ve wanted to discuss long ago about relationships and maybe this will all make sense.

Way back in the day, I thought I knew how to avoid relationships.

Method #1: Just don’t befriend any girls. Which sounds difficult, but it’s actually not quite that difficult. Just understand that if you become friends with a girl, you may get close. And then you will get into a relationship and while many guys would want to date the hot girl, dump her and go for the next best thing to come around. Perhaps back then I had it wrong. But I really didn’t want a relationship. I mean there were a lot of really attractive girls back then, and I knew if I had gotten to know them that something might happen. Other reasons came around as well. It was my belief that all relationships fail at the end. I really don’t care if people get married or whatnot; people can cheat their way through something. So why even bother becoming something more when staying friends is perfectly fine? Besides, I knew that if I dated anyone not Chinese that I would have to breakup with her eventually. Other than building something meaningful, maybe people go into a relationship looking for something temporary and just gaining experience. So I decided to become that small awkward loner boy who just went on with his life and had a close group of friends. But that often times these beliefs never work…

Method #2: Sideline Guy? I’m not sure I’m using this word in the correct context. According to this dating coach Vanae, a sideline guy is basically the guy who is always available for the girl and willing to do mostly anything for her at any given moment. But she’s not his. The catch? She’s already taken. Which is perfect for me, I guess. Personally, I don’t think much about the whole nice guys finish last concept. The thing is I don’t care if I finish last. I think the sideline guy syndrome became more prevalent in college. Although my first semester began with me still in the just don’t befriend any girls, I think I learned ways around it. I enjoyed helping people. Sometimes friends would ask for help. I think one of the best strategies I pulled was being friends with people who were already in a relationship. In this manner, I could sit aside and talk with girls without having fear of anything else deepening further. Then, well I guess there was always fear that I would come in conflict of those relationships. And then, I pull away.

So those are the 2 methods for me to avoid a relationship. Then I met someone who changed my viewpoints. I guess at the beginning, when we first met, it seemed slightly easy to maintain both methods of avoiding a girlfriend. Perhaps I wanted to be her friend more than anything. She would be my first real Chinese friend.

I am the weirdest person in this relationship. Maybe I’m the only guy who does it, and it’s only to keep me sane. I’m so used to holding onto memories, good or bad, so I can remember. Perhaps holding onto the bad memories is not healthy, but for some reason I have to. Maybe I will make more rational decisions by reflecting on the past. I don’t know. The past is always confusing.

Where we end up in the present is determined by our past. And what we want from our futures is based on the decisions we make in the present. If you do not want the mistakes of the past conflicting with your future, then your decisions in the present are vital. Thus you look at the past. It’s a huge cycle!

I think nature is annoying sometimes because, up until now, I’ve never been programmed to want anything more than what you are given. This is too public of a domain to discuss this subject, but I’m just saying that people are f’d up. They desire too much, even when nature does not require it. The sad thing is time. In the previous posts, I’ve mentioned that the time we have spent together seems much longer than it has. This past Saturday was out 2-month anniversary. On average, we see each other for 3 hours a day. Then there is Saturday when I don’t see her, unless I’m lucky. A lot of times I feel bad for her situation and the strict schedule placed on her. Anyways, I love the time we can spend together. From the moment she gets off work to the time she leaves, time moves too fast. Then when we are apart, time slows down considerably to a dull tempo. It’s almost like watching rice grow. Sitting there does not make the rice grow faster, but when the rice is ready to be eaten it’s gone in the blink of an eye.

I love spending time with her. It really kills me to hear her voice on the phone but not being there with her, or vise-versa. Relationships are strange in that manner. Why is it that we yearn for more than what we are given? It seems rather selfish to satisfy our physical desires more than our need to nourish our emotional and mental needs. I wonder what would happen if a person, who is isolated for his entire life and has no knowledge of the outside world, ever develops the urge for longing. In The Epic of Gilgamesh, Enkidu’s physical needs are filled when he is met by a prostitute. Before meeting her, he had no desire or intention to mate and could live freely amongst the animals.

Peter Pan may be another great example. As a perpetual young boy, does he ever have the desire for physical bonding? All he does is fight pirates and sort of kidnaps Wendy as a motherly figure. She unwittingly becomes infatuated with him and falls in love, but he remains childlike and rejects her. When she realizes that her efforts are not returned, she leaves Neverland and returns to adulthood.

Where am I going with this? Two vastly different stories from two vastly different eras. I don’t know. I wonder how selfish it is to hold onto something not because you don’t want to lose it again, but afraid what will happen when you do let go. We had a small conversation yesterday about something similar to this. Sometimes I ask her questions that may seem impossible or ridiculous, but I think this is just me seeing if her thoughts match mine. The question comes from the Simpsons’ episode, Regarding Margie. Basically, let’s say the love of your life forgot you. Only you. She remembers everyone else, and they give her honest feedback about you. But no matter how hard she tries, even from looking at photos, video and written messages, she can’t remember. I told her I would never stop trying to get her to remember me. I would win her back from the beginning. At the end of my persistence, would she remember or would she push me away? Who would give up first? That guy in The Notebook remained with his ailing wife till the end. I’m not exactly sure who I’m trying to be. If people categorize me as the nice guy, that’s good.

I’m just trying to be me. Well I have jumped around a bit much today. There is more, but I think that story will come another day.

40 Year Old Virgin

That movie is playing right now. But it works well with the thoughts on my mind right now.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a month and a half now. Maybe a bit longer (like a month and 3 weeks) and it's been a fantastic time. Except for when we aren't together and all I think about is her...not in that, "hmm...I'm suspicious of her activities" way but a, "I really miss spending time with her." Actually...the sad thing is, and I'm reflecting from yesterday's time with her, she said it feels like I spend more time with this other friend of ours who visits my apartment frequently. She actually called me to get dinner with my housemate. And while my gf said that she just needs to express herself and I tried reassuring her that we spend more time than that friend (we went to Shelburne Farms on Monday and spent the rest of the time eating ice cream) I began to realize how little time we are actually spending together.

It's not like we can control every second of our lives. She works every day of the week and I'm running around like an idiotic graduate student looking for work. Then when she gets off work, we only have a few hours to spend before she has to leave. Now a few hours goes by extremely fast, seeing as we have to find somewhere to hang out, walk and go places. By the time we settle down, the time has already been spent.

The thing is, I'm not a very creative person when I lack resources. Burlington is a very boring place. We've done probably most of the fun/entertaining activities Burlington has to offer. If we could go anywhere else, it would require another means of transportation that I should have, but I don't. I feel extremely weak in this sense because...well I can't do anything fun. It's always the same routine, and if there is nothing to do then it's better to go back home and study. Nothing works out the way we want...and...well the original intent of this post wasn't to beat myself up. It had to do with something a little more different...

Earlier I mentioned how long we have been dating. That time frame doesn't seem to add up at all because we've known each other for....2 years? Well...one and a half years I guess if you don't want to count that one year. You know it really kills me. Every time those memories of that year haunt me...I feel like my soul or some part of me dies. Stripped away. Even thought I tried to make a long distance relationship happen that same year, those hunting memories really make me sad. I guess...while I try to ignore them, every once in a while I involuntarily recollect them. It's kind of like...I don't know, think of the saddest event imaginable from your memory and hold onto it for a few seconds. I guess...in my case that year shouldn't be the saddest event in my life. The saddest event in my life happened so long ago that I can barely remember what happened. Actually...that reminds me. I will write a memoir about those events so I can remember...

But anyways...the thing is...I once told her that if she ever did anything to hurt or damage me again, in a more profound way, then I will leave Vermont and never come back. That is, except to visit my parents, sister and brother on the holidays. All my memories come from Vermont, which obviously includes painful memories. Nothing is perfect. Neither am I and I really regret a lot of the decisions I made. Of course my gf joked that I did some naughty things last summer, and I took it hard in a way. Not because I want to stay morally and ethically correct but some more personal reasons that had meaning a year ago. Now that reason has disappeared like a leaf drifting in the wind. It's gone.

Anyways...the reason I wanted to talk was that...I've known by gf for a year and a half. Let's say a year and a half to make it simple. We've dated for a month and half. Since I've known her for about 18 months, I feel like this month and half of dating seems so trivial. Like...ok the time isn't trivial. this time has been amazing, but it seems so much longer because of those 18 months. So...I don't know if she counts those 18 months as well, but I do. I always think about how long I've known her and how much Ive confided in her. She knows me in more ways than I even know myself. She will mention things about me that I never thought about. She'll teach me Chinese with patience because she understands where I come from. That's...for me that's really great and sad at the same time. It's almost like...I don't know...would it have been different if we weren't dating? I think at one time, when we first met, I wanted to have that I teach you English and you teach me Chinese sort of thing. I didn't even consider dating. Back then I didn't care much about it. My mind was already confused and mixed by other girls I knew and...boy that's a different story. The reason it's sad is because it just seems like a huge step and and (sacrifice is not the right word) but yeah.

I was the first to say, "I love you." I think. Like we've both said, "I like you," or, "I really like you." Maybe she slipped an "I love you" in there without me noticing it. But I remember myself saying it clearly. Too soon? A month and a half of dating versus 18-months of friendship. Even before we officially dated and were simply roommates, we shared personal information. When she had to move out of the apartment, I felt grief that I would no longer see or spend time with her. When I trembled by her side that night we watched a movie together and I didn't know the status of our relationship. You know what it is like when a big guy trembles next to a small girl? She holds so much power that not even a giant can tame. Our first argument. Our first breakup that lasted less than 12 hours. How long does it take for someone to sincerely fall in love? When a child is born, is there an instantaneous love for the child from both the mother and father, or is there a moment of doubt? Even the child cannot fully sincerely love in the first few seconds of birth; the child hasn't even gained comprehension of the world. So is it correct to say that I love my gf, or is it just a matter of saying, "Tommy, she is your first girlfriend." Is that to say that since I have no experience with other girls that I don't know what love is? I guess that may be a valid argument, but how often is it that people say "I love you" but end up breaking apart?

I think my biggest worry is letting her down. If I do let her down, I lied to her. About everything. This has always been my core belief. I was never going to say the words out loud. I would just use my actions to prove my feelings. Because what happens if we broke up? What did that "I love you" even mean? I always thought love was unconditional and infinite. Like a mother and child. Perhaps I just can't let go. Before I used to think that if I ever went into a relationship, it would inevitably fail. So why even go into a relationship? Why not just remain friends? Maybe she feels something more than I do and that's something to hold onto.

In the end I wonder if my love in genuine. If not, then can I take back the words? And if it is, then did I say them too soon? Should I have just...stayed silent? Even though I'm a writer, and can write some great stories involving love, I'm not that kinda person to express it openly. I almost feel that it was too soon. Moving too fast? There are way too many factors to calculate...next time I'll talk about something less deep.