40 Year Old Virgin

That movie is playing right now. But it works well with the thoughts on my mind right now.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a month and a half now. Maybe a bit longer (like a month and 3 weeks) and it's been a fantastic time. Except for when we aren't together and all I think about is her...not in that, "hmm...I'm suspicious of her activities" way but a, "I really miss spending time with her." Actually...the sad thing is, and I'm reflecting from yesterday's time with her, she said it feels like I spend more time with this other friend of ours who visits my apartment frequently. She actually called me to get dinner with my housemate. And while my gf said that she just needs to express herself and I tried reassuring her that we spend more time than that friend (we went to Shelburne Farms on Monday and spent the rest of the time eating ice cream) I began to realize how little time we are actually spending together.

It's not like we can control every second of our lives. She works every day of the week and I'm running around like an idiotic graduate student looking for work. Then when she gets off work, we only have a few hours to spend before she has to leave. Now a few hours goes by extremely fast, seeing as we have to find somewhere to hang out, walk and go places. By the time we settle down, the time has already been spent.

The thing is, I'm not a very creative person when I lack resources. Burlington is a very boring place. We've done probably most of the fun/entertaining activities Burlington has to offer. If we could go anywhere else, it would require another means of transportation that I should have, but I don't. I feel extremely weak in this sense because...well I can't do anything fun. It's always the same routine, and if there is nothing to do then it's better to go back home and study. Nothing works out the way we want...and...well the original intent of this post wasn't to beat myself up. It had to do with something a little more different...

Earlier I mentioned how long we have been dating. That time frame doesn't seem to add up at all because we've known each other for....2 years? Well...one and a half years I guess if you don't want to count that one year. You know it really kills me. Every time those memories of that year haunt me...I feel like my soul or some part of me dies. Stripped away. Even thought I tried to make a long distance relationship happen that same year, those hunting memories really make me sad. I guess...while I try to ignore them, every once in a while I involuntarily recollect them. It's kind of like...I don't know, think of the saddest event imaginable from your memory and hold onto it for a few seconds. I guess...in my case that year shouldn't be the saddest event in my life. The saddest event in my life happened so long ago that I can barely remember what happened. Actually...that reminds me. I will write a memoir about those events so I can remember...

But anyways...the thing is...I once told her that if she ever did anything to hurt or damage me again, in a more profound way, then I will leave Vermont and never come back. That is, except to visit my parents, sister and brother on the holidays. All my memories come from Vermont, which obviously includes painful memories. Nothing is perfect. Neither am I and I really regret a lot of the decisions I made. Of course my gf joked that I did some naughty things last summer, and I took it hard in a way. Not because I want to stay morally and ethically correct but some more personal reasons that had meaning a year ago. Now that reason has disappeared like a leaf drifting in the wind. It's gone.

Anyways...the reason I wanted to talk was that...I've known by gf for a year and a half. Let's say a year and a half to make it simple. We've dated for a month and half. Since I've known her for about 18 months, I feel like this month and half of dating seems so trivial. Like...ok the time isn't trivial. this time has been amazing, but it seems so much longer because of those 18 months. So...I don't know if she counts those 18 months as well, but I do. I always think about how long I've known her and how much Ive confided in her. She knows me in more ways than I even know myself. She will mention things about me that I never thought about. She'll teach me Chinese with patience because she understands where I come from. That's...for me that's really great and sad at the same time. It's almost like...I don't know...would it have been different if we weren't dating? I think at one time, when we first met, I wanted to have that I teach you English and you teach me Chinese sort of thing. I didn't even consider dating. Back then I didn't care much about it. My mind was already confused and mixed by other girls I knew and...boy that's a different story. The reason it's sad is because it just seems like a huge step and and (sacrifice is not the right word) but yeah.

I was the first to say, "I love you." I think. Like we've both said, "I like you," or, "I really like you." Maybe she slipped an "I love you" in there without me noticing it. But I remember myself saying it clearly. Too soon? A month and a half of dating versus 18-months of friendship. Even before we officially dated and were simply roommates, we shared personal information. When she had to move out of the apartment, I felt grief that I would no longer see or spend time with her. When I trembled by her side that night we watched a movie together and I didn't know the status of our relationship. You know what it is like when a big guy trembles next to a small girl? She holds so much power that not even a giant can tame. Our first argument. Our first breakup that lasted less than 12 hours. How long does it take for someone to sincerely fall in love? When a child is born, is there an instantaneous love for the child from both the mother and father, or is there a moment of doubt? Even the child cannot fully sincerely love in the first few seconds of birth; the child hasn't even gained comprehension of the world. So is it correct to say that I love my gf, or is it just a matter of saying, "Tommy, she is your first girlfriend." Is that to say that since I have no experience with other girls that I don't know what love is? I guess that may be a valid argument, but how often is it that people say "I love you" but end up breaking apart?

I think my biggest worry is letting her down. If I do let her down, I lied to her. About everything. This has always been my core belief. I was never going to say the words out loud. I would just use my actions to prove my feelings. Because what happens if we broke up? What did that "I love you" even mean? I always thought love was unconditional and infinite. Like a mother and child. Perhaps I just can't let go. Before I used to think that if I ever went into a relationship, it would inevitably fail. So why even go into a relationship? Why not just remain friends? Maybe she feels something more than I do and that's something to hold onto.

In the end I wonder if my love in genuine. If not, then can I take back the words? And if it is, then did I say them too soon? Should I have just...stayed silent? Even though I'm a writer, and can write some great stories involving love, I'm not that kinda person to express it openly. I almost feel that it was too soon. Moving too fast? There are way too many factors to calculate...next time I'll talk about something less deep.