Why you hate me.

Tommy:

想了很久，不知道该不该发这邮件。 或者还是直接跟你说好。 从你在facebook 把我删掉后， 我就再没和你说话。 而你也没有和我说话。

我就很想问清楚。 为什麽把我删了。 很明显你是不想跟我当朋友。 从那到现在， 我一直不知道怎么处理这事。 可能你觉得已经没什么值得处理了， 可是我

一直觉得对不起你因为你是一个很好的朋友。 我每次看到你都不知如何是好。 可能你已经觉得我这人不值得做朋友了。 不过， 我觉得你还是一个很好的人。 所以虽然我这邮件会

给你发这邮件很很冒然，而且在这时候也已迟了。 不过我还是想我要问清楚。 我有这样的念头很多很多次了， 现在终于鼓起勇气问你： 为什么把我删了呢？ 我记得最后一次我们的对

话， 你说那段时间都不开心， 你不告诉我为什么， 不过你说如果我想知道， 我可以看看Dipika 会告诉我不。 是你觉得因为没问， 没关心朋友吗？ 那时候我心里有一个答案， 可是我

觉得如果我的答案是正确的话， 我也不知道该做什么才好。 所以我觉得自己还是不问好。

一直我都觉得自己不知怎么做才能挽救这友谊。 我记得我说过你是我这最好的朋友， 不过你说我们只是朋友。 我一直记在心里。 因为我想我没什么朋友， 而你呢？ 朋友的话很多。

我是这样想的， 那我就在心里当你是我很好很好的朋友。 就算之后我俩没说话， 我也觉得这都是我做成的。 我是很惭悔的。 直到我听我一个朋友说你对我的想法， 我真的很没想到你

是这样想我的。 我有一点气愤， 更多的是觉得冤。

我也是想了很久才写这给你， 我觉得我骨子里没变。 我也没有说要把我朋友都赶走， 有男朋友就行了。 没有， 我真的没有。 我的方法可能是错了， 可是我是很珍惜我在internatioanl

club 交的朋友。 我知道他们认识你比我早， 而且你又是他们的好朋友。 在新学期的一两次聚会中， 我不知道怎样在我明知道有人不喜欢我的环境下和别人互动， 在加上我的语言上又

不好。 我才开始没去international club. 然后我越来越不知道该怎样和他们说话了。 我是很希望去international club 的， 也在facebook 上看到有关的照片也是很羡慕， 很希望自己是其

中一员的。 我方法可能错的， 可是我心里真的不知能怎样做。

冒昧我发这邮件， 请看在我不是很轻易鼓起勇气的份上， 可以告诉我为什么把我从facebook 删了。 我们还能做朋友吗？ 我和Carlo 分手了， 但不是我绝对没其他目的 或是因为我没有

朋友而发这邮件给你。我现在住在家， 是比较快乐的。 如果我过的不好的话， 我是不会发这邮件给你的。 因为我确实珍惜这友谊， 不想在我需要的时候伸手要。

如果你不想跟我做朋友， 我理解， 不过请不要把我想的那么坏。 在一个陌生的环境下， 我的却犯错了。 可是， 我觉得我的本质没变， 真的没变。

我想还是用中文写这邮件吧， 我英文不好。 免笑话了。无论怎样，请你回我吧。

What a sad mid-autumn festival...

Today is August 15th on the lunar calendar. Pretty late in the year compared to the solar calendar, don't you think? Well considering tomorrow is October 1st, it's pretty late to be half way through August in the lunar year.

Today is such a depressing day. Mainly because it rained all weekend. My friend was supposed to go on a date with a Chinese girl today and I was helping him say "Happy Mid Autumn Festival" in Chinese. It's a big holiday in China. Today, Chinese families come together, buy lots of firecrackers and moon cakes. It's not what you think. It's small round in shape to represent the full moon, and there are so many varieties of moon cake. Some made with nuts. Some made with lotus paste. Others with red bean. And everyone likes a specific kind. I prefer the lotus paste one. Simple. Delicious. Best thing to eat at the end of the festivities.

I'm mostly writing this blog post because of someone in particular. That's right. What really pisses me off is that my laptop broke while I was at work. Basically, I had this manual on my laptop and I accidentally knocked it over, and my laptop died. Before that awful moment, I had been writing letters to my ex every day, just talking about my ideas and such. Just random thoughts. I had almost two weeks worth of letters to her, and now I have lost them all. It's probably safe to say she would not care about the letters. To her, this sort of nonsense is just that: nonsense. Nothing particularly special and a waste of time. I should be focusing on work. Well during that time, I couldn't exactly do work. And now this new laptop is too frustrating to work with. O well.

Last year I spent this holiday lighting sparklers with her. I also joked with her a lot because her name is the same name as the woman on the moon. According to Chinese mythology. That is why the Mid Autumn Festival is important. Everyone prays to the Moon Goddess and the rabbit on the moon. Her name is 嫦娥. Her story can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chang%27e

My ex's name is 嫦. She's so beautiful. I'd joke with her that I would be looking up and praying to her on Mid Autumn Festival. And I would be her little rabbit. Ironically, she is smaller than me, and I am not a rabbit.

Strange that it rained all day. Usually the moon is full, and I would go outside and watch it. I wonder if she is looking for the moon where she is. I'm sure it is much easier to see when you live up on the mountains.

She's out of my life.

 I'm not as big a fan of Michael Jackson as the rest of the world, but that one song really portrays my feelings without the rest of the mumble jumble.

Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.

I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.

I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.

I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?

Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.

Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.

Why NOBODY likes programming

Author's note. Originally I thought of condensing a year into one post. It's original intent was to be solemn, depressing and sad. After getting to the second paragraph, I realized it couldn't be so. Read at your own discretion. Mostly due to language.

Wow. For starters I haven't been on blogger in a LONG time. Nearly a year since my last post! Holy shit. Well I never expected Blogger to undergo a huge cosmetic shift. I really don't like this new layout. It's sleak. It's nice. But I'm not sure how quickly I'll get used to it. Since, well, I've been MIA for about a year. So what's happened? I graduated..."BORING!" Who fuckin cares? No body. Every year people graduate. Who the fuck cares? I don't know.

You may be reconsidering reading this blog now. "Tommy, why are you so aggressive/pissed off tonight?" I'LL TELL YOU WHY. I've spent the past month and a half...two months actually...and the every hour of last week trying to figure out how to create an online survey. First it was the HTML, which wasn't so bad. "How do you get the website to render the survey?" Well there's a stupid script caleld PHP that needs to read the survey. Ok, just a small snag. So I find a shitload of tutorials to help me write the PHP, and after a few dozen attempts at uploading the PHP and HTML to the server, it doesn't render. WHY? BECAUSE THE SERVER CANNOT READ PHP. What the hell? Okay, one more hickup. PHP.net has a solution. Except it doesn't have the executable file I need. Twitch? Well after a Google, I find it. Ok. Finally the site can render the survey/PHP/whatever. But you know what? The survey can't be emailed! Oh sure, there is a confirmation page. "Thank you for completing our survey!" Yeah, well it didn't do jackshit because it didn't email anything out! Why? I did the HTML! I did the PHP! O? What's that? You need server side script/program called "form handling" or "cgi" to actually have the form/email sent? What the fuck, technology? Why the hell is it so damn complicated to get one survey across the friggin internet into my mailbox? If Harry Potter's owl...actually...if RON's owl PIG can find Sirius Black out there when the, "O, scary bad lazy piece of shit Ministy of Magic" can't, then certainly this stupid PHP should handle a simple request of "send survey to email." But no. You need a middle man on the server side to send it. Oh, what happened, PHP? Can't handle the real internet world? How bout you go suck it and send the stupid survey to my email?

I'm not sure if it is me, mainly because I'm very ignorant and inexperienced, or just that people don't explain it in their tutorials. Whenever someone finishes a tutorial, I think they assume your server can read PHP and has a CGI script that can render the info. WELL I DIDN'T KNOW. I spent HOURS upon HOURS thinking I'm a complete idiot who can't follow along to a 20 minute video and typing $headers, $bullshitbullshit into Dreamweaver. I MADE A BILLION SURVEYS ON DREAMWEAVER AND WATCHED THAT 20-MINUTE VIDEO, PLUS OTHERS, THINKING I CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. When, in actuality, there were parts missing. "Oh, make sure your server can read PHP." "Oh, make sure your server has CGI to render the PHP." "Ohm make sure you're not a dumbass." WELL I AM A DUMBASS.

So to all those IT people who get shit on. I feel your pain. Some people are too impatient. "Oh, my desktop can't connect to the internet! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DESKTOP AFTER I BROUGHT IT OVER TO BE FIXED???" Well did YOU remember to plug in the ethernet cable?