She's out of my life.

 I'm not as big a fan of Michael Jackson as the rest of the world, but that one song really portrays my feelings without the rest of the mumble jumble.

Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.

I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.

I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.

I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?

Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.

Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.