The Strength or Weakness of Forgiveness?

It’s basically the end of May, and I haven’t written an authentic blog entry since…February. In between that time, I’ve put up 7 postings which are basically class assignments…so no real entry has been made.

Anyways...well let’s get down to the nitty gritty story. This story is about a week old, but it’s something worthwhile to write about cause…well I’m four months behind on an entry. Perhaps I can relate this all into some sort of …philosophical love story.

So let’s go back to an old entry…the October 12, 2000 entry entitled What’s Worse than a Cheater (link here: http://freefallinasian.blogspot.com/2009/10/whats-worse-than-cheater.html). Let’s recap a little bit for those not interested in reading the old stuff:

• Boy meets girl
• Girl becomes a great friend (being Chinese and all)
• Two of them hang out a lot
• Boy goes to China for summer>Stays in contact with girl
• Girl says she has a boring summer
• Girl secretly lies about it all>Actually having fun with Boyfriend
• Boy returns from China>Girl neglects/ignores him and all friends
• Boy becomes heartbroken from a dead friendship>gives her one final gift
• No more contact

Yeah? No happy ending…well not in that Hollywood BS sense. Plus, this is a GREAT summary, seeing as I dislike summaries. I tend to go in depth…which I’m about to do…

So…well since then, some friends told me to forget about her…move on…stop talking about her. Easier said then done cause well…she decided to move into the same dorm as me spring semester and we basically go to the same college. Kinda sucky…chances are we’re bound to meet!

About two weeks ago, I helped my friend move into her new place. Now if you don’t remember, I tend not to divulge on the names….so let’s just call her…uh…D. So D tells me that I should forgive her and make amends…which I, as stubborn as I am (not sure if this has to do with me being stubborn) decline. Still...V tells me she is a good girl and very sad…emotional…and based on the previous history she and I originally had, I do feel something. Sympathy, I guess, but basically it’s something I need to push away. I mean we pushed each other away. She stuck with her boy friend while pushing us all away, and I just simply suppress the feelings of remorse. I mean…as a me I’m always struggling between sympathizing with how people feel. And I think that where may be the possibility that someone I know will be reading this thinking “that’s not true.” That’s another story.

D then tells me that she (the girl) might text/message me one of these days. So that night…I keep looking at my phone cause while I deleted her number, she might still have mine. Nothing. And for a whole week, a whole lotta nothing. One day I decide to check my old gmail account and found an email from her (send May 24th)….which was an incredible two-page e-mail of her wondering what happened to our friendship, and if it would be possible to make amends. While my first initial thought was to just…ignore the message altogether, it was written in Chinese…and it’s two pages long. That’s effort right there.

At the end of reading her e-mail…which was ridden with guilt and possibly one of the most emotional things she has ever written, I almost felt compelled to forgive her. There’s reminiscence on our past. Her inability to speak to me since I deleted her from FaceBook. Social awkwardness at different clubs. Bravery to send such an email. Not wanting me to ever feel this way about her. Her heart unable to guide her feelings. A sort of jealousy that she is absent from the International Club photos.

Let’s reflect on one key phrase: compelled to forgive her. Shouldn’t forgiveness be more sincere than a compulsion? I mean…we’re talking about friendship here…even she mentioned that if we are not friends, then she will understand.

Cruelty would be not replying. So that’s what I did…finally. Coming to a resolution…sort of. Finally letting myself out, I tell her everything how I’ve felt…in half Chinese, half English. From discussing her inability to talk to us (her friends) about when she is with her boyfriend to the time I introduced her to everyone I knew when we first me so she could have friends. When I was in China for summer vacation and her telling me that she was bored with no one to hang out with…when in reality she had her boyfriend. To the regret of me constantly thinking about her at Hua Shan that I actually got her a stupid necklace…that I still gave to her after that day our friendship died.

I remember all those times we spent together: along Lake Champlain, going to downtown, creating her FaceBook account, playing Chinese Chess at Ben and Jerry’s, when she cried in the library, when we watched movies in my dorm…missing the old her and knowing she will never return.

At the end, I told her my email might be confusing and sent her a bunch of songs that may interpret my heart. And while the songs may be about love or some emotional sentimental thing, I never “loved” her. Love itself if a damn strong concept and I’ll probably get into that at a different level…without some sappy example from my life.

With that, she replied back saying that she has some more to say, but doesn’t want to intrude/annoy me. While grateful for the reply, “it was unfortunate we couldn’t see each other in person to talk.” I thought of replying to her…telling her at the very end, at least we have a conclusion. And if there comes a day she wants to tell me, she can.

“终于 我们有个结局. 如果还有一天你想说话, 我听你”

I’m not exactly sure what to do…should I send it or not? Would sending it evoke emotions of confusion that I am willing to forgive her and become friends, or would not sending it completely sever all ties I have?