Weights

I wonder how much weight the heart can take before it breaks. Not physical weight. You could crush a heart instantly with a few pounds! Actually I'm not even sure how much would crush the heart, but I'm not motivated enough to Google it.

Anyways I hope you realized I'm not talking about that. It's more like this. At the beginning of time, I used to think guys were real assholes. So I didn't want to be an asshole. I wanted to be the nice guy. But nothing ever came out of that. I used to think girls were sweet and innocent. They were just tormented by asshole guys. In some cases, that is very true. But now I'm not so sure. After college, you learn quite a bit. And I think you can get this same experience in high school, except I kinda missed out.

After typing for a bit, I realized a lot of what I'm talking about it related to older posts. Which, I guess is due to me trying to summarize everything so this post makes sense in case you never read the previous entries.

A little over a week ago, I had an argument with my girlfriend. It didn't begin as an argument. It began with her asking me a question and I gave her my honest opinion. Which I could tell she didn't like my response, but sometimes what you want to hear is not what you need to hear. And she took my opinion very, very hard. It was like, denying a child a cookie at the grocery store because of lack of money or just parenting. She left in a hurry around 10:15, and I had to attend a BBQ at 11, but she left her phone in my room. So, doing the sort of thing I do: I drive to her home. She told me she was going home, so that's where I could find her. Nope. I drive to her work. Nope. Drive back to her home. Nope.

So actually, well, I had to text my friend and tell her that I would be late and kept pushing the time back further and further. Traffic sucked that morning. Who is driving at 11:00 in the morning? Aren't people supposed to work? Well...BBQ yadda yadda then I went to her work to give her the phone. She wasn't there, but her sister was. Later that night, she texted me saying she had her phone. Still, I felt something else was on her mind but at the time, I didn't want to get too much into it. See, I feel that she will never be able to open up completely to me, and I don't know why. I always ask her what's on her mind, and she smiles saying nothing.

After work, she said she missed me and she was a ghost and all this great cute stuff that told me, "Tommy, she's doing okay now." So, with happy thoughts, I went to bed. I woke up the next day, about to go out for the day and she wish me a good day. I was overjoyed. Realizing I needed to clip my nails, I went to get the clippers and found a note on the floor. Not something I left there. With a glance at the folded sheet, my heart sank. I'm not going to discuss what the paper said. If you fell in love with a someone and she took all the happiness out of your soul, then you can write your own words onto the paper.

We sort of argued over the phone when I mentioned the letter to her. She desperately explained the paper, trying to excuse the paper and how it didn't mean anything and it was an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. She wrote it in Chinese as not to embarrass me. It was meant to be on the door, but she was let into the apartment. And she asks me how that note hurt me so much.

The thing is we've broken up multiple times. She said she wanted to see me. She was sorry. And I told her that I will see her again when she appreciates me more than I appreciate her. And she was sad. I know it. But I'm not even sure why she was this sad. It is me who should be in pain. She asked to see me. And...being a VERY VERY SOFT HEARTED GUY (as I have come to learn) I went and saw her. And we talked. And made up, but I don't think I can be the same. Honestly I don't know what she sees in me. She says she loves me, and yet I don't know how much truth is there. We argue so much. We had this talk online. Actually...I can't remember how it started very well. I do remember we got into a really heated argument. She mentioned that she is afraid I will break up with her for something small, like the note. And she asked to change the subject to something lighter. I did and she goes back to something more complex, and I felt so accused with everything she asked me. Vicky. Janey. Those two girls in the past.

And now I'm thinking if there was ever a day that went by that year we weren't friends when she thought about me? Because I thought about her every fucking day. I was tormented by her. It seems as though nothing I do is appreciated. Maybe it meant more when we were just friends. Now I feel like I have to up myself every moment.

Now we get to the near present. The other day I was joking with her and made a kind of rude comment. I didn't think much of it because I was joking, but after I saw her reaction I realized she was very hurt. And I understood why the joke hurt her so much, and I felt so guilty. She said she knows me and my personality, but I could feel something wrong. I apologized again through a text, and she responds by saying, "Don't upset me again."

I don't know what's going on. Today I needed to go to Kohl's to look at jeans and asked her if she wanted to come along. She said sure and she gets out of work at 3:00. But then she said she had work until 5, or later, and we had to cancel. Now it is 5:34 and she has not gotten off work. At least I don't think so. Our text during her break was short lived. Everything is short lived now. I feel that she thinks I'm dating her because there is no other girl here. I feel she has the same reason for dating me. I really care about her, and yet it doesn't seem like I can show her my feelings. In any way, shape or form. I told her things I remember, and she doesn't remember saying some things. So is it my memory that has changed or been altered? Or just created?

I think guys work too hard to impress girls. When I first knew her, I burned her about 13 CDs with music. When I tried to impress Vicky, I made her a Flash animation. With Janey, I told her about my parents and gave her my number if she needed any help. Some people. It's like guys will do anything to impress girls. Not for their own benefit, but just to see a girl smile. And girls don't really appreciate what they have; they simply want more. Well some girls. Others it might not be like that. I really don't want to generalize. The hardest thing that morning when I found the note was contemplating a break up. I don't think she really understands me the way I understand her. It was the hardest thing to put the treasures she gave me into a box. I don't think she understands how difficult it is for me to see her every time we are on the verge of a breakup, or even after a breakup, and when we get back together. I'm sure she finds it difficult and hard every time as well, but I don't know if she appreciates having me. In some instances...I don't know anymore. I don't think she cares about me, but just having a boyfriend. Sigh...and I think my personality works great with that, because of these reasons:

1. I love her.
2. I'm a nice guy
3. I don't want to lose her again
4. I don't want to hurt her.
5. I'm waiting to see how much my heart can take.

I don't know now...if my heart has taken all it can and just rejects the rest or I'm just learning to make space...