Society Sucks

Society always has these weird standards for people in life. Media gives people way too many double standards. We are so captivated and indulged in what the media tells us to be. And yet when it comes to reality, we are blamed for following media too much. I don't know if it is me or something else, but when I grew up no one wanted to be that nice guy who finishes last. Everyone was moving with society and doing all the things that, for the longest time, I thought were not ethically or morally correct. Or just too mature for me. Getting a girlfriend at age 12. Sex at age 13. Drinking at 14. Then so on and so forth. And for some reason, I didn't want to do this. I really didn't. Even though society always portrays this as having fun and a good time, guaranteeing to get the girl, it just didn't amuse me. This was back when Scary Movie taught us about house parties and promiscuity. Brittany Spears was a naughty Catholic school girl. And to get underneath all that we patiently waited for the dial up internet connection to bring us still images of naked women.

Well, not to say that I wasn't intrigued by it all, but I really didn't feel right about the whole partying and getting into girls' pants and stuff. I found it really disrespectful to myself and women. It just felt like women should be treated more respectfully. For all my life that's how I thought women wanted to be treated: with respect. Over the course of my life, I kinda realized that's not so true. Sometimes you'll hear them complain after a breakup what a jerk that guy was, but then they go back. Maybe it was because there were a lack of nice guys in the world so they could only go for the bad guy. But I'm a nice guy and I never got the girl.

Bad guys have a lot of traits going for them. Assertiveness. Confidence. All those alpha male type traits. Um this is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo I realized. My girlfriend and I were having this discussion...sort of. The discussion didn't really lead anywhere. I had told her that I liked being the nice guy throughout my many years, and she mentioned something about that is not what girls are after. I can't remember what her response was about what girls want, but he isn't the nice guy. Which made me realize that I'm not the bad boy because I want to girl. I'm not a bad boy cause I'm not a dick. I'm not so sure if you have to be a dick to be the bad boy, but basically I'm not the kind of person who will assertively push myself onto a girl or force her to make decisions she will ultimately regret. Sigh relationships are weird. I think I'm a friends-only kinda person. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my girlfriend. Though sometimes what we do seems repetitive. But the thing is is her outlook on relationships. Because, as the guy, I'm supposed to make the decisions. I'm the one who is supposed to make the calls and buy the presents. And it all seems sort of redundant at times. Actually it'd be great if she made plans. It has nothing to do with the guy being be the one making the decisions.

I think she needs the uber-dominant-alpha male who is going to step up and say, "Hey, we're going sky diving," then force a parachute on her and jump out of a plane. I mean....sigh...it's really weird saying this on here, but I feel like I'm always being compared and contrasted to her previous relationships. It sucks. This is kind of a dumb example, but parallel parking. I can parallel park my van like a boss. Every night I basically have to parallel park. Perfect every time. And yet I can't do it when she is in the car. That's a bad example. But...well the other day we were going to see Harry Potter 7 at the theaters but it was no longer out. And, we were rushing there and I wanted to give her something before we saw the movie. When we found out the movie was no longer showing, I gave her gift. And it felt like that, before I gave it to her, I was waiting for the right moment. I thought about the fair, but I became really anxious. After the first time experiencing her reaction about not getting her present in a long time, I didn't want her to be angry again. Especially when I had the present...just waiting for the right time. Sigh...it's strange. I want to be able to do these great things for her in my way, but it feels like that's not the correct way to do it. People always plan things in secret but the timing is never right. We always hope for the best and perfect outcome and yet...it doesn't work.

The worst thing is the inability to change the past. I can't remember a day since we've dated that I've never thought about her previous relationship. It frightens me the number of times I think about it and how it ended our friendship about two years ago. Sometimes I forget why it ended our friendship. When we began as friends, I did a lot of nice things for her. Now that I think about it, I doubted any of it attracted her attention. It's really depressing. Sigh. It depresses me a lot. I see the pictures of the past, from the apple picking to her trip to NYC. Every memory and event and exchange I have from that year haunts me. I don't know why it lingers on me so closely. Before we dated, I never took it into as much consideration as I do now.

I guess the reason why I'm writing this now is because she texted me this morning asking to spend some time apart. The thing is is that she and her family have some misunderstandings, at least from my understanding. And that's great for her to spend more time with her family. It's just that now I feel there is something more to it. Something she is afraid to tell me. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.

If being a nice guy doesn't get the girl, then fuck that. I don't care. I'm a nice guy because it's better to be single and morally and ethically at peace with the world than to be a pretentious asshole who dominates and overwhelms people for selfish satisfaction.