Hypocrit Finds a Loophole...

So it's happened. For all intents and purposes, it's my fault. Whatever you may hear, it is my fault that it happened. Neither of us harbored any resentment. It was just something I've been considering for a while, not that I was losing any feelings for her. I just thought we were drifting apart because sometimes the conversations would start to become forced or I'd retell the same joke or story. It makes me wonder now how do couples last so long in their marriage? People say it's love, but it has to be a lot more than that. Since we ended on a positive note, I haven't lost any feelings for her. Even after...well that's just a personal side topic.

Let's get this straight, ok? This is not a "it's you, it's me" sort of deal nor is it "I think we should start seeing other people." Actually, this is me saying I'm not good enough for you because compared to me and your dreams, I am financially incapable of helping you attain your dreams. I know there are many more things that could make this list, but that's the one big one. Maybe I have the passion and the drive to support and even cheer you to get everything you want, but I'm just a, well, loser. Haha! Can you believe it? The guy takes the blame wholeheartedly!

Sigh...because of that last paragraph I forgot what this entry is supposed to be about. Um...oh I remember now. The loophole. So this is the loophole. Back in the day, I never wanted to be in a relationship because I knew that you could never be friends once you broke up. So why even begin something that will inevitably end? I valued friendship very highly. Then I met someone who helped me look past my mis-perceptions. I found someone I treated more than a friend, but I still had one part of my mindset that I wanted to preserve. If anything were to happen, I waned to keep her as a friend, but that would be asking for too much. As our relationship continued, with an exchange of braided bracelets and a beautiful wool scarf, I learned some things about relationships and a deep understanding about the ex-factor. Sometimes I wondered why can't people remain friends after they break up. One of my friends said that she would still be friends with her ex because of what they once had and the memories they created. But after time, I understood another perspective. How can you manage to watch your ex kiss, hold hands and exchange gifts with another person while you sit on the side and just be a friend?

For me, I know I'm not an a-typical bad person. Sure I've done some unforgivable things, but I know I wouldn't blatantly go harm someone. Even my ex. Or her new lover. Maybe I wouldn't. The thing is, before this relationship I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Again, I was wrong. I guess I am asking for too much when I tell her that I'll still be there if she needs help or anything. I told her that if she chooses to go downtown or needs help with anything, she can call me. I'll be there to help her. To protect her. Sigh...what kind of guy am I? I honestly don't want anything in return except for her unquestionable safety.

Would it be different if we said things to harm another, even though they would be lies? That way I wouldn't have to ask her to call me for help and she wouldn't do the same? Have I asked for too much to continue being her friend? Today...I sent her a text at lunch because I thought she'd be working somewhere. Before I sent the text, I thought it would be a bad idea.

Give it time, Tommy.
You shouldn't text her.
You might hurt her.
But she told you to remain her friend and not turn into the Tommy from 2-3 years ago.
Yes, but you can't be friends after a relationship.
Can I be the only exception though?
You are really selfish, Tommy...

Then she didn't reply, and every bold thought highlighted above went through my mind. I should have let go. Wow, 4/7 things up there said I should leave her alone. That's a pretty...well I don't know. Actually...I don't know. We are supposed to meet up next Saturday for an art exhibit. I brought it up. Because, well, we're just friends, right? Is that so bad? Sigh...I have no idea. Maybe it's just the post-breakup mindset now that still retains those feelings for her. I've slowly released everyone I've had a crush on in the past, and not because of some courageous or heroic act. It's because...I think the feelings for her are more genuine. Sigh sigh sigh!

This is the loophole. The ex wants to remain friends but he knows that it shouldn't even happen. Why shouldn't it happen? Because yesterday, after we broke up, we continued hanging out together. And it took so much not to hug her. I slipped up by patting her back. Hitting each other with sticks (playfully). Then...well yeah, it's just like that. It's so hard not to grab her and not let go.

Another continued...

This blog has been a plague on my mind. I’ve released too many feelings on here…too many personal thoughts. What used to be an escape and way for me to organize my thoughts has turned into one of the last venues for me to talk to you. It’s sad, I think. I’m not sure what exactly what is so sad. Maybe I feel that we are drifting away, yet neither of us has the courage to say the words. I don’t know why. I don’t want to hurt her, and maybe she feels the same. Is it better to hold onto something based on feelings, or is it better to let go of the one you love so she finds happiness? From when I first met her until now, she seems different. She felt more joyous when I first met her, so lively and her mind was clear. Now, after befriending me again, she seems void of life.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Without her, I feel lifeless and always have one thought on mind. With her, life is kinda still. I’m not sure what it is. Sometimes we come upon really great subjects in which we get into a great discussion, but then she stops. I am not exactly the brightest person. Most times I need guidance. Maybe I need too much guidance, and that is one thing I failed to mention in the last post. Because I missed out on dating, and became a loner, I just missed out and need to regain about ten years of experience. It’s strange. I felt that, if I remained myself and did the moral and correct thing, I could please everyone. But perhaps that does not work out with giving a girl what she wants. Eh…I don’t know. I would love it if she would be more open with me…get angry with me, tell me everything she’s feeling and knows. Maybe she’s afraid that if she gets angry with me, I’ll get angry with her and in turn do something horrible. I don’t think I could…not with her. I’ve gotten so mad and lost my temper with so many people in the past for the smallest of things. There may be reasons I could get angry with her, but I can’t. I guess I do treat her very differently than anyone else, and that is because I don’t want to lose her. Even if were only friends. Sigh…this is just a strange thought…sigh…sigh…and another sigh…

Americanism? Or universalism? Or Chinese-ism?

Life is very strange. I don’t know how I was able to skip out on life as the majority of my peers. Maybe it was fear of what may come if I took chances and made mistakes that stopped me from enjoying some aspects of life. That’s not to say I didn’t have a fortunate childhood. I was very fortunate as a child. But the thing is, most kids try things that they will get in trouble for, but never punished. For me, life was about staying safe and not getting into too much trouble in which I couldn’t afford the consequences. Maybe I was a safe child.

I remember the life of junior high quite well. This is the age I learned to swear. It’s strange learning to swear. Even though I never heard the words before, I already knew “asshole” had more impact than calling someone “stupid.” I don’t know why I began to swear; maybe it had to do with adapting to the culture. 1 out of 8 people were in a relationship. I’m not sure why I didn’t follow my friends and jump into a relationship. I felt kinda strange around this age, because girls became more attractive and ever friendlier. I also became more and more shy and hung out with some people not exactly in the popular crowd because I kinda felt bad for these people. It was actually just one person. People still liked me; they didn’t care much for him.

But the thing is, I don’t know whether my actions or lack of action are because of my Chinese background, cultural beliefs, personal morale or just something else entirely. At that time, I may have been able to get a girlfriend. Maybe not. Who knows? Some girls acted quite friendly with me.

Okay, this post is not about my previous love lives or how I feel about love. The thing is, a lot of my peers throughout high school partied and just got more involved with doing illegal and otherwise dangerous activities. People referenced drugs and the usage that I had no idea what they were talking about. I actually had no idea people actually partied in high school because I was the loner kid who didn’t have many friends. Sure, people knew me, but I was never invited to parties. People dated, drank, had sex, smoked and wow I was surrounded by all this. Maybe at that time, I was more reserved and never talked or asked anyone about drugs and parties. I really didn’t have time for that sort of thing. There can’t be any cultural context behind it, can there? I was actually part of the Chinese party scene for about an hour last time I went to China. These guys were leaving the school and there was a party for them. Teachers were invited, along with myself and my brother and everyone drank 40-ounce Budweisers. Local bands did covers of famous Chinese songs and it was a good time. Maybe I’m generalizing, but partying may be a universal concept. Even the honor students, the most popular kids, held parties. People you’d never expect went to these events and it shocked me to see the photos on Facebook.

Or I could have been too worried about my brothers’ expectation of me if I went and partied. During college, I lived on campus. Hoping to start fresh and new, I actually spent the first month as a loner. I became close to some of the guys in my dorm, and after a month I finally asked them to take me to a party. So my first Thirsty Thursday commenced. Of course I knew what the alcohol was doing to me back then when I first drank, but I didn’t let it completely take over me. While girls from my dorm screamed, “Omigosh, it’s Tommy!” I kept my distance. Drinking and hugging them felt kinda weird. I didn’t want to let the alcohol make me do something I’d regret. Even the morning after was awkward when one of the girls asked how I was doing. She was a girl I had a major crush on for about two years, but I never made a move. Here I am going back to the love thing. I think love is a big factor for me. It’s a huge risk, in my opinion. After some parties, we’d go back and the guys would snort drugs. They’d ask me, “Tommy, are you uncomfortable with this?” Slightly uncomfortable, but I just watched. Then they’d grind shrooms, roll joints and all that good stuff.

Freshman year definitely softened me up. During the day I remained a shy guy. At night, I loosened up. I thought this was my way to find an excuse to let myself be normal. Because when I was with friends in high school, I would act nuts all the time, but with unfamiliar crowds I got shy and quiet. The first night I drank, with only 3 beers, I did go nuts. I knew people went crazy after drinking, so I could do the same. One way it would be real; on the other hand, it would just me the real me. I apologized profusely to girls I liked, telling them that I wouldn’t be as talkative or social. They brushed that off. But I continued drinking to make myself less reserved. It was good. The odd part was when people did drugs. I didn’t do it. Until I watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and thought smoking marijuana would be the same as drinking beer. I could control it. Boy was I wrong.

But all these things are not so bad in my mind. I’m not damaging anyone. People may say, “You’re hurting yourself!” I’m really not. I’m pretty preserved and control myself quite well. That’s because I’m a lightweight and don’t want to waste money on too much. But by this age, everyone has done worst things. People have made out and even had sex by my age. Um, where am I going with this? I’ve only done one, and even the first time I felt extremely guilty. Each time because I was not in love with the girl. I always thought of someone else, even though the person I thought of and I weren’t dating or anything. Have you ever gotten that? You are making out with someone and your true love in actually on your mind? Perhaps in the moment you can’t control your physical needs, but immediately afterwards you regret it. You feel the urge to apologize to the one you love, but she doesn’t even know your feelings? It probably sounds stupid to feel that you are cheating on someone who isn’t even yours. The person I made out said that the relationship between me and her has no feeling, so it doesn’t matter. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m far too ridged with my beliefs.

So I think I’ve reached the overarching idea of my thesis: what is Americanized and what is basic instinct? I’m not talking about the movie. I’m wondering what does it mean to actually be Americanized? Does it consist of all the partying and living the worry-free life or is that a part of basic instinct? Are humans designed to indulge in pleasure or is that just the development of a new culture? I don’t know. People drink to have a good time; others drink to forget. I know why I drink, and that is to satisfy a mental need. But why do other things? Drugs? Why aren’t the natural stimulants in life, the positive and non-lethal enjoyments, not enough to satisfy our physical and mental desires? Everything from our childhood worked extremely well to satisfy our needs.

Well just now… my close friend…and I had a discussion. It was a rather simple topic: me, and how much I’ve changed from her initial perspective of me. Now, I hate saying “close friend” because she is my girlfriend, from what I’m aware of, and yet it seems like we are falling away from each other. Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt me by saying one thing, but on the other hand there may be something pushing us away from each other. I don’t know what it is…but this isn’t about that. This is something else. She said that I’ve changed and no longer the typical Chinese boy she thought I was, and I don’t know what a Chinese girl wants. Which are both true and confusing. One hand, I really don’t know what a typical Chinese guy is like. After she told me to read, I found some articles on Google to help me figure out what a typical Chinese guy is like. She told me it’s wrong. A lot of what I read do reflect who I used to be.

I was the really shy and quiet guy. I still am today, but maybe some things about me are more confident. She taught me to be more confident with her. I guess…you really can’t go back to being the guy who was shy or afraid of holding her hand. Other things. I used to bring her food from the café or just bring her food in general. That didn’t happen as often when we moved in together. But apparently that is not it. I’m not sure what it is that made me change, but is it necessarily a Chinese boy thing? Could it just be someone being a person? I think it’s more about when you are comfortable with someone, any restraints and inhibitions go away.

Next I don’t know what a girl wants. I really don’t. To be loved, felt safe and secure? I’m not really sure what a woman wants. Pleasure? Something more physical? I have no idea. I thought laughter was the best medicine, but apparently not. But then I’m not exactly sure what to talk about. Sigh…I don’t know. Well…ugh I don’t know. I really don’t know.

The Tighter the Squeeze, The Easier it Slips...

A relationship is the strangest thing. It is such a simple and easy concept to grasp, at least before the relationship happens. Before you enter a relationship for the first time, you have all these beliefs and ideals that have held you steady for several years. There are so many assumptions you make about relationships that you may feel fearful of actually going for one. You only know one way of life, and that is the way you’re brought up. The only people who can conflict with your ideas are friends, and sometimes family members. Family members typically have a better understanding and thus a mutual agreement to your opinions because they raised you.

And then she comes into your life. I imagine there is a female audience reading this, so just replace every “she/her” with “he/him.” The overarching meaning will basically be the same…

She comes into your life. While she is everything you’d imagine her to be, from the mindset and shared culture to the looks and style, there are some aspects of her that challenge your own beliefs. When you realize you’d do anything to hold onto her, and never again lose her as foolishly as you did, you will slightly alter your attitudes and temperament to keep her. Because in the end, she becomes your reason and purpose and you want her to be part of your family. I guess that’s a more farfetched than I originally hoped.

--Honestly, I began writing this entry last night, but then went to watch a movie, so there may be slight differences than my original thoughts. Sigh. --

Okay, back to the original idea. I think my fault is that she is my first girlfriend. Maybe I’m holding onto her too strongly, or too tightly. Perhaps I’m regarding her more than I should. In this respect, I’m just an amateur attempting to use all my gathered knowledge from media and watching other couples to my experience as a friend and good guy to be an OK boyfriend. I guess I should discuss something I’ve wanted to discuss long ago about relationships and maybe this will all make sense.

Way back in the day, I thought I knew how to avoid relationships.

Method #1: Just don’t befriend any girls. Which sounds difficult, but it’s actually not quite that difficult. Just understand that if you become friends with a girl, you may get close. And then you will get into a relationship and while many guys would want to date the hot girl, dump her and go for the next best thing to come around. Perhaps back then I had it wrong. But I really didn’t want a relationship. I mean there were a lot of really attractive girls back then, and I knew if I had gotten to know them that something might happen. Other reasons came around as well. It was my belief that all relationships fail at the end. I really don’t care if people get married or whatnot; people can cheat their way through something. So why even bother becoming something more when staying friends is perfectly fine? Besides, I knew that if I dated anyone not Chinese that I would have to breakup with her eventually. Other than building something meaningful, maybe people go into a relationship looking for something temporary and just gaining experience. So I decided to become that small awkward loner boy who just went on with his life and had a close group of friends. But that often times these beliefs never work…

Method #2: Sideline Guy? I’m not sure I’m using this word in the correct context. According to this dating coach Vanae, a sideline guy is basically the guy who is always available for the girl and willing to do mostly anything for her at any given moment. But she’s not his. The catch? She’s already taken. Which is perfect for me, I guess. Personally, I don’t think much about the whole nice guys finish last concept. The thing is I don’t care if I finish last. I think the sideline guy syndrome became more prevalent in college. Although my first semester began with me still in the just don’t befriend any girls, I think I learned ways around it. I enjoyed helping people. Sometimes friends would ask for help. I think one of the best strategies I pulled was being friends with people who were already in a relationship. In this manner, I could sit aside and talk with girls without having fear of anything else deepening further. Then, well I guess there was always fear that I would come in conflict of those relationships. And then, I pull away.

So those are the 2 methods for me to avoid a relationship. Then I met someone who changed my viewpoints. I guess at the beginning, when we first met, it seemed slightly easy to maintain both methods of avoiding a girlfriend. Perhaps I wanted to be her friend more than anything. She would be my first real Chinese friend.

I am the weirdest person in this relationship. Maybe I’m the only guy who does it, and it’s only to keep me sane. I’m so used to holding onto memories, good or bad, so I can remember. Perhaps holding onto the bad memories is not healthy, but for some reason I have to. Maybe I will make more rational decisions by reflecting on the past. I don’t know. The past is always confusing.

Where we end up in the present is determined by our past. And what we want from our futures is based on the decisions we make in the present. If you do not want the mistakes of the past conflicting with your future, then your decisions in the present are vital. Thus you look at the past. It’s a huge cycle!

I think nature is annoying sometimes because, up until now, I’ve never been programmed to want anything more than what you are given. This is too public of a domain to discuss this subject, but I’m just saying that people are f’d up. They desire too much, even when nature does not require it. The sad thing is time. In the previous posts, I’ve mentioned that the time we have spent together seems much longer than it has. This past Saturday was out 2-month anniversary. On average, we see each other for 3 hours a day. Then there is Saturday when I don’t see her, unless I’m lucky. A lot of times I feel bad for her situation and the strict schedule placed on her. Anyways, I love the time we can spend together. From the moment she gets off work to the time she leaves, time moves too fast. Then when we are apart, time slows down considerably to a dull tempo. It’s almost like watching rice grow. Sitting there does not make the rice grow faster, but when the rice is ready to be eaten it’s gone in the blink of an eye.

I love spending time with her. It really kills me to hear her voice on the phone but not being there with her, or vise-versa. Relationships are strange in that manner. Why is it that we yearn for more than what we are given? It seems rather selfish to satisfy our physical desires more than our need to nourish our emotional and mental needs. I wonder what would happen if a person, who is isolated for his entire life and has no knowledge of the outside world, ever develops the urge for longing. In The Epic of Gilgamesh, Enkidu’s physical needs are filled when he is met by a prostitute. Before meeting her, he had no desire or intention to mate and could live freely amongst the animals.

Peter Pan may be another great example. As a perpetual young boy, does he ever have the desire for physical bonding? All he does is fight pirates and sort of kidnaps Wendy as a motherly figure. She unwittingly becomes infatuated with him and falls in love, but he remains childlike and rejects her. When she realizes that her efforts are not returned, she leaves Neverland and returns to adulthood.

Where am I going with this? Two vastly different stories from two vastly different eras. I don’t know. I wonder how selfish it is to hold onto something not because you don’t want to lose it again, but afraid what will happen when you do let go. We had a small conversation yesterday about something similar to this. Sometimes I ask her questions that may seem impossible or ridiculous, but I think this is just me seeing if her thoughts match mine. The question comes from the Simpsons’ episode, Regarding Margie. Basically, let’s say the love of your life forgot you. Only you. She remembers everyone else, and they give her honest feedback about you. But no matter how hard she tries, even from looking at photos, video and written messages, she can’t remember. I told her I would never stop trying to get her to remember me. I would win her back from the beginning. At the end of my persistence, would she remember or would she push me away? Who would give up first? That guy in The Notebook remained with his ailing wife till the end. I’m not exactly sure who I’m trying to be. If people categorize me as the nice guy, that’s good.

I’m just trying to be me. Well I have jumped around a bit much today. There is more, but I think that story will come another day.