2/27/2011
Remember the time you learned how Santa Clause wasn’t real? He was just a sham used to get you to be a good little child or else there’d be no toys under the Christmas tree. Somehow and somewhere in those 365 days until the next Christmas, you DID misbehave, were grounded and thus punished so many times, but in that month before Christmas shit got serious? You became a good boy, or girl. You became a good child. Well when I learned that Santa wasn’t real, I didn’t really care. I still got presents. I didn’t lose anything. Now I just pity the man behind the Santa costume at shopping malls with kids on his lap. Actually, I feel bad for the kids. Oh well.
It’s easy to let go of something like Santa, or the Easter bunny, when you really had nothing to lose to begin with. Maybe the trauma of realizing your parents can fabricate some imaginary beings to make you be good instead of disciplining you themselves cause obviously a made up person is more appealing than your parents.
Yesterday was her birthday. 2/26. I remember her birthday better than even my closest friends’ birthdays. How could I not forget last years? After learning Adobe Flash, I made her an animated birthday card. Kinda cheesy. Extremely cheesy. And yet I thought this was something I could give her when there was nothing else to give. Last February was when we got the closest. She called me twice. Before her two calls, she always asked if we could talk online. Either on webcam or microphone. Every time I denied her this simple request just to remind her of my voice. Maybe for me it was too much to hear her voice because at that time, I already decided my feelings for her. Unspoken. At the time, the scariest thing was not the feelings being unrequited but reciprocated. Now I think I lost her forever. But she never got it. When I messaged her, she never replied back. Starting from that day, our conversations never returned to the way they were. Sometimes she’d say things on my profile. She did things that always made me wonder how she felt about me. Whatever she did made me think twice about her intentions. So I always wondered why she waited 10-20 minutes to respond to instant messages. Sometimes we’d hold conversations by merely replying to my statuses.
The days before Chinese New Years, I tried striking up conversations with her. Every moment I talked to her just to rebuild everything we lost. It’s so strange that even though she and are nothing but friends, knowing her is keeping me from doing anything. I feel like if I were to do anything with another girl, I’d be cheating her. And yet I can’t bring myself to find out her feelings for me.
I made her another card, said “happy birthday” and she asked how I knew. Then…well I wanted to give it to her yesterday. She never replied. Today I tried one more time…and she responded positively. I said, “Go on QQ and I’ll give it to you.” I went online…she didn’t.
All day I’ve thought about her. But that’s no different than any other day. When the afternoon came, I left for the gym to take my mind off her. I’ve tried keeping my mind busy to get her out of my head: cooking, running, shadow boxing, dinner. For those 60 minutes she’s not there, but once my hand leaves the task, there she is. I know a way to get her off my mind: get a girlfriend. That would be the most unfair method. Cruel in one way to just use a girl to get my mind off someone. Cruel in another way because I’m only cheating myself. I never understood why people do the things they do to overcome stress. People drink, smoke and engage in other immoral activities just to feel better. I’ve tried doing that with alcohol. It usually ends up with me throwing up for 10 minutes in the bathroom and I never feel better. So why cheat oneself with dating someone just to forget a girl? Actually, if I had the capacity I would run forever just to keep my mind off her. I did that today by going to the gym. For an hour and a half, I was free of her in my mind.
I’ve never tried so hard to maintain a friendship with a girl before. She’s unpredictable. I think of one outcome, the most logical outcome and she doesn’t respond. I dreamt she called me after I gave her the animated card. She knows about it now.
3/1/2011
I decided to stop writing the blog the night I started it because I began releasing the emotions of her. Today she brought them back, and along with her memories came some new insights. It’s funny how you meet people and don’t realize how much they affect you until you meet them. I always return to the subject of fate, but I don’t know how much of it is fate. If I never got on that train and if I never missed the first one, I would never have met her. How much more different would life be if we hadn’t met? I don’t even know why I hold her in such high regard. There must have been plenty of times in the past where I missed out on something only to have a slightly better outcome. Almost everyday I run into someone un-expectantly. Whether or not it’s coincidence doesn’t exactly matter. I’m bound to meet certain people because of where I am. This place is so close knit. But somewhere like China, where the people are measured by the hundreds of thousands, is not the place I would most likely to have run into this girl.
I realized today, and a few times in the past, that there are ways to get her attention. Sometimes these methods work. Other times they don’t work. For example, I post things on Renren and she will comment. She will even visit my profile, and I know this due to China and Renren’s notorious way of following stalkers. There is a little spot on the top right corner of everyone’s profile that informs them who visited and when (the time shows up if it’s the same day). Back on the lunar date July 7th, 2010 (that’s August 16th), I posted two videos on Renren: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna and Airplanes by B.O.B. and right after I posted them, she reposted them. This was the only time she copied something of mine, but I never knew why. I didn’t even have the courage to ask her a stupid question. According to her status, she would spend Chinese Valentine’s Day alone. Since then, I’ve tried to share certain videos or something to grab her attention and have her copy the same thing. It has yet to happen.
The only time I’ve actually succeeded in getting her attention when my friend helped me talk to her about relationships. This was when I told her (well my friend typed) that I had a secret. She asked if I was coming to China, or if I wanted her to be my Chinese teacher. Then we got down to relationships…this was the only serious conversation we had. It got to the point where she asked if the girl I liked was in my school to which I replied no. I planned to tell her that she’s the girl. It never worked out.
Last month, she visited my profile often because I kept posting pictures. She told me she was viewing my pictures. Recently, she stopped doing so until today. I have no idea why. Sometimes I wonder if she visits my profile for attention, or just wants to talk. Most time when I talk to her she ignores me. I never understood why she never strikes up the conversation. She tried once, but I wasn’t online. Well, at least not on the computer, but my iPod Touch was logged on.
Well now I’m thinking back to having her on my mind. Obviously she is on my mind now if I’m writing about her. Well thinking back to Audrey and how much I wanted to forget her, I remember the time when I wanted to remember her again. I swore at that time that I would never forget her smile, her hair or her voice. But when I did finally forget her, I wanted her back. In the worst way possible. I wanted to regain that feeling that only she gave me: when you can’t stop thinking about her that it draws pain in your heart. Pain that feels good, but if you give into it you’ll cry. I lost that feeling when I no longer felt Audrey, and I wanted to back. Now this girl from the train, who I only knew for one night of talking about American and Chinese culture, dreams and aspirations, and just a few months of talking online has returned that feeling. But is she truly anything better than any other girl I’ve known personally? I mean…she’s asked me to go on webcam, talk on the phone and she’s even bought me little trinkets online. All I gave her was a webcam show of me playing the piano. There are so many girls here in America who I’ve built closer relationships with and yet the only girl I care more about is her. I don’t even know why! Why? Someone tell me because the logic doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t. Here I am in America, single and free to do whatever the hell I want and one girl in the world has the power to hold me still without doing anything!
At the beginning…and now I’m just ranting all my thoughts…I wanted to tell her. I was even urged to tell her around Chinese New Years, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to tell her for Chinese New Years and have her say “no” and forever remembering Chinese New Years being ruined by my inconsiderate feelings. The same held true for her birthday. I couldn’t ruin it for her. But then the question comes down to when is the appropriate time to tell her? I really don’t know…I just don’t know…
