Today is August 15th on the lunar calendar. Pretty late in the year compared to the solar calendar, don't you think? Well considering tomorrow is October 1st, it's pretty late to be half way through August in the lunar year.
Today is such a depressing day. Mainly because it rained all weekend. My friend was supposed to go on a date with a Chinese girl today and I was helping him say "Happy Mid Autumn Festival" in Chinese. It's a big holiday in China. Today, Chinese families come together, buy lots of firecrackers and moon cakes. It's not what you think. It's small round in shape to represent the full moon, and there are so many varieties of moon cake. Some made with nuts. Some made with lotus paste. Others with red bean. And everyone likes a specific kind. I prefer the lotus paste one. Simple. Delicious. Best thing to eat at the end of the festivities.
I'm mostly writing this blog post because of someone in particular. That's right. What really pisses me off is that my laptop broke while I was at work. Basically, I had this manual on my laptop and I accidentally knocked it over, and my laptop died. Before that awful moment, I had been writing letters to my ex every day, just talking about my ideas and such. Just random thoughts. I had almost two weeks worth of letters to her, and now I have lost them all. It's probably safe to say she would not care about the letters. To her, this sort of nonsense is just that: nonsense. Nothing particularly special and a waste of time. I should be focusing on work. Well during that time, I couldn't exactly do work. And now this new laptop is too frustrating to work with. O well.
Last year I spent this holiday lighting sparklers with her. I also joked with her a lot because her name is the same name as the woman on the moon. According to Chinese mythology. That is why the Mid Autumn Festival is important. Everyone prays to the Moon Goddess and the rabbit on the moon. Her name is 嫦娥. Her story can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chang%27e
My ex's name is 嫦. She's so beautiful. I'd joke with her that I would be looking up and praying to her on Mid Autumn Festival. And I would be her little rabbit. Ironically, she is smaller than me, and I am not a rabbit.
Strange that it rained all day. Usually the moon is full, and I would go outside and watch it. I wonder if she is looking for the moon where she is. I'm sure it is much easier to see when you live up on the mountains.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
She's out of my life.
I'm not as big a fan of Michael Jackson as the rest of the world, but that one song really portrays my feelings without the rest of the mumble jumble.
Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.
I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.
I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.
I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?
Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.
Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.
Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.
I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.
I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.
I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?
Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.
Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.
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