40 Year Old Virgin

That movie is playing right now. But it works well with the thoughts on my mind right now.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a month and a half now. Maybe a bit longer (like a month and 3 weeks) and it's been a fantastic time. Except for when we aren't together and all I think about is her...not in that, "hmm...I'm suspicious of her activities" way but a, "I really miss spending time with her." Actually...the sad thing is, and I'm reflecting from yesterday's time with her, she said it feels like I spend more time with this other friend of ours who visits my apartment frequently. She actually called me to get dinner with my housemate. And while my gf said that she just needs to express herself and I tried reassuring her that we spend more time than that friend (we went to Shelburne Farms on Monday and spent the rest of the time eating ice cream) I began to realize how little time we are actually spending together.

It's not like we can control every second of our lives. She works every day of the week and I'm running around like an idiotic graduate student looking for work. Then when she gets off work, we only have a few hours to spend before she has to leave. Now a few hours goes by extremely fast, seeing as we have to find somewhere to hang out, walk and go places. By the time we settle down, the time has already been spent.

The thing is, I'm not a very creative person when I lack resources. Burlington is a very boring place. We've done probably most of the fun/entertaining activities Burlington has to offer. If we could go anywhere else, it would require another means of transportation that I should have, but I don't. I feel extremely weak in this sense because...well I can't do anything fun. It's always the same routine, and if there is nothing to do then it's better to go back home and study. Nothing works out the way we want...and...well the original intent of this post wasn't to beat myself up. It had to do with something a little more different...

Earlier I mentioned how long we have been dating. That time frame doesn't seem to add up at all because we've known each other for....2 years? Well...one and a half years I guess if you don't want to count that one year. You know it really kills me. Every time those memories of that year haunt me...I feel like my soul or some part of me dies. Stripped away. Even thought I tried to make a long distance relationship happen that same year, those hunting memories really make me sad. I guess...while I try to ignore them, every once in a while I involuntarily recollect them. It's kind of like...I don't know, think of the saddest event imaginable from your memory and hold onto it for a few seconds. I guess...in my case that year shouldn't be the saddest event in my life. The saddest event in my life happened so long ago that I can barely remember what happened. Actually...that reminds me. I will write a memoir about those events so I can remember...

But anyways...the thing is...I once told her that if she ever did anything to hurt or damage me again, in a more profound way, then I will leave Vermont and never come back. That is, except to visit my parents, sister and brother on the holidays. All my memories come from Vermont, which obviously includes painful memories. Nothing is perfect. Neither am I and I really regret a lot of the decisions I made. Of course my gf joked that I did some naughty things last summer, and I took it hard in a way. Not because I want to stay morally and ethically correct but some more personal reasons that had meaning a year ago. Now that reason has disappeared like a leaf drifting in the wind. It's gone.

Anyways...the reason I wanted to talk was that...I've known by gf for a year and a half. Let's say a year and a half to make it simple. We've dated for a month and half. Since I've known her for about 18 months, I feel like this month and half of dating seems so trivial. Like...ok the time isn't trivial. this time has been amazing, but it seems so much longer because of those 18 months. So...I don't know if she counts those 18 months as well, but I do. I always think about how long I've known her and how much Ive confided in her. She knows me in more ways than I even know myself. She will mention things about me that I never thought about. She'll teach me Chinese with patience because she understands where I come from. That's...for me that's really great and sad at the same time. It's almost like...I don't know...would it have been different if we weren't dating? I think at one time, when we first met, I wanted to have that I teach you English and you teach me Chinese sort of thing. I didn't even consider dating. Back then I didn't care much about it. My mind was already confused and mixed by other girls I knew and...boy that's a different story. The reason it's sad is because it just seems like a huge step and and (sacrifice is not the right word) but yeah.

I was the first to say, "I love you." I think. Like we've both said, "I like you," or, "I really like you." Maybe she slipped an "I love you" in there without me noticing it. But I remember myself saying it clearly. Too soon? A month and a half of dating versus 18-months of friendship. Even before we officially dated and were simply roommates, we shared personal information. When she had to move out of the apartment, I felt grief that I would no longer see or spend time with her. When I trembled by her side that night we watched a movie together and I didn't know the status of our relationship. You know what it is like when a big guy trembles next to a small girl? She holds so much power that not even a giant can tame. Our first argument. Our first breakup that lasted less than 12 hours. How long does it take for someone to sincerely fall in love? When a child is born, is there an instantaneous love for the child from both the mother and father, or is there a moment of doubt? Even the child cannot fully sincerely love in the first few seconds of birth; the child hasn't even gained comprehension of the world. So is it correct to say that I love my gf, or is it just a matter of saying, "Tommy, she is your first girlfriend." Is that to say that since I have no experience with other girls that I don't know what love is? I guess that may be a valid argument, but how often is it that people say "I love you" but end up breaking apart?

I think my biggest worry is letting her down. If I do let her down, I lied to her. About everything. This has always been my core belief. I was never going to say the words out loud. I would just use my actions to prove my feelings. Because what happens if we broke up? What did that "I love you" even mean? I always thought love was unconditional and infinite. Like a mother and child. Perhaps I just can't let go. Before I used to think that if I ever went into a relationship, it would inevitably fail. So why even go into a relationship? Why not just remain friends? Maybe she feels something more than I do and that's something to hold onto.

In the end I wonder if my love in genuine. If not, then can I take back the words? And if it is, then did I say them too soon? Should I have just...stayed silent? Even though I'm a writer, and can write some great stories involving love, I'm not that kinda person to express it openly. I almost feel that it was too soon. Moving too fast? There are way too many factors to calculate...next time I'll talk about something less deep.

Why does the heart hurt?

This world is truly a small place. We meet people we would never imagine would return to our lives. Sometimes it is for the better. There meetings, arrangements, are usually for the better. And yet we forget that life is not always about ease or comfort. Instead, we are tortured into facing our ethic and moral choices and need to decide between what is moral and what is legal.

Even then the legal system cannot solve everything. We all know this. There is too much litigation, time and organizing the evidence. Then we have time, money and headache. The only chance we have at fully gaining justice is if we are allowed to take matters into our own hands. Liam Neeson did so when his daughter was captured in the movie Taken. He kicked ass and got away with a lot. Now we can't do that cause the rule of law would destroy us.

Our moral ethics and understanding push us to do things we would never consider. When faced with death or something you truly believe in, neither law nor ethics can prevent you from action. That's the most frightening thing. Last Saturday, I foolishly brought my girlfriend to the University Mall. I can't even say foolishly because no one could have predicted. But she gave me a sign that something was wrong, I was just too blind to see and understand. Just as we entered the parking lot and before the bus stopped, she told me her heart hurt. From what she wouldn't tell me and I couldn't figure it out. We stepped off the bus, went to McDonalds and I had a late lunch. What was meant to be a day of enjoyment amongst each others' company and waiting to move into the new apartment became a struggle to evade a stalker.

You'd never believe it. We went into Claire's for about 10 minutes to look at hats. I got a call from my friend and had to resist the urge to call for her to pick us up without explaining the danger. And all this time I wondered how far I would go to protect her. I promised I would. Should I fail her life would be in more danger. Should I succeed would I be arrested? When we left, he was there waiting. The fastest thing I could think of was going to Hallmark. For one I needed to get a Thank You card. But would he follow us inside? And he waited outside, talking with a saleswoman. Again 10 more minutes inside the store, and when we left he was with two of his friends. We took another route and they followed. How sadistic can someone be? Honestly... I left when you took her away. When she asked you to leave you continue to pursue. And all these thoughts filled my mind. Everything that happened in the past went through my mind. I wondered who else would choose to protect her. I think I've always tried to protect her. I left when she needed me to, when I needed to to be safe. And now I'm here to protect her when she needs safety most.

I don't know what's going on. If one is willing to fight to protect someone for safety, and willing to let go of everything, is that considered love? He is willing to fight others just to get completely random girls. I'm willing to fight to protect one. And when this girl is the same one I've mentioned in the past, not QQ or the train girl, does that make a difference? I don't know. No matter what now, I truly worry about her safety. and now I'm starting to feel that I may push her away when being overprotective. Honestly...I learned a lot of things that the stalker did. It's so hard to hear the truth, but even harder not telling her and wanting her to discover this on her own. If I say it, it really means nothing. I'm just the guy who complains about nothing, and people tell me to loosen up or something. But then, when people discover the truth on their own, it's kinda too late. But people need to discover things on their own. But after that encounter and getting her out of there (which he still followed us to the bus stop and he had a verbal confrontation), I told her what I knew. Sigh...compared to protecting someone, relationships are kinda easy. Anyways...o well...