**Author's Note: After publishing this, I went to add tags to the previous posts and slowly realized this is not the first time I've felt this way. Each time we broke up I had the same feelings. Fairly consistent. But after all this time that I thought of myself as the victim, at least the one with most damage, that's not true at all. She is more victim than I. I've played and fooled her heart more times than she has ever done to me. I truly hope she has found happiness**
I would say it's the wine right now that's getting to me now, but that'd just be some lame excuse to let me write this blog entry. I think there is just a lot on my mind that for everything left unsaid. Glimpses of your thoughts come to me through friends who message you. Others come from my own methods. But from what I gathered, this much is certain:
1. You are seeing someone or at least have a new interest
2. Our emails hurt you
3. You feel that I interpret your intentions wrong
I wonder how many people try to stay friends after breaking up, and of those breakups how many successfully maintain a friendship. We had gone so far. A whole summer of friendship. I truly miss every moment we spent together. From visiting you at Jay Peak. Sharing the Italian Ice, although I thought it was very strange. Our dinners at Pho Hong and you telling me your work experience. Every fear you had. Your tears. When you messaged me on FaceBook and we'd talk about...well I don't remember what we talked about. Right now I regret it all. Losing you. My greatest fear was that you would find someone at Jay Peak, and that person would not want you to talk with your ex. Me. I would lose you again. I don't want to keep losing you. But then again, the idea of me being your best friend and number one supporter for your new boyfriend came to mind. I would give you advice, and talk with you when you both argued. Would I have been able to stand the pain of watching you with another guy? Every day I wished I had that position. But then again, your new boyfriend may ask you to push me away. Stop communicating with your ex. I had this conversation with Ay Lin's brother. He and I had a drink, and I mentioned we had broken up. He said that Jay Peak has a lot of good looking guys, and most likely you will move on. The truth is so difficult to bear.
There are so many obstacles if I were to be your friend. It happened when we broke up before, but still remained in contact. You'd say things like "大馒头" or "piece of joke." Typing the words feels so strange. I haven't seen, heard or said the phrase "piece of joke" in so long. I miss calling you my "小馒头." "陈小姐." "小陈." Even if we stayed friends, I would never be able to call you those names. I'd have to watch someone else hold your hands. Piggy back rides uphill or downhill. Holding your hand in car rides and you telling me, "Drive with both hands!" Maybe I will name more...Someone else to cuddle with you while fireworks shinned in your eyes. Remember on the Fourth of July, you cried to me at St. Michael's College? I think you were on your period, because you were have really bad cramps. It was my fault to make you walk all the way to the waterfront to see the fireworks. I will miss when you ask me what's on my mind, or the games we played by telling stories of our future selves. Singing songs to and dancing with you. Our walks from campus to Spinner (although that was only a school thing). Saying "I love you." Sometimes I say that quietly.
I can't remember what I said in the previous posts about the letters. I tried writing a letter to you every day when we first stopped talking. There are many gaps as I could not write a letter everyday. Last night, I discovered you are seeing someone new. It was the most difficult thing for me to accept, and I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up so many times. Just knowing that you moved on. It confuses me, though, what my friends tell me about you. You feel that both of us feel pain through our emails. To be honest, I am grateful you replied to me. I was so scared you wouldn't reply the first time, but you built my courage and I tried to fix out friendship. Now, it seems you and I can no longer be something. Not friends. Not even acquaintances. I've lost you completely.
I heard you may visit Burlington on the 13th. This is what my friend told me because he is coming up here. I don't know why you would want to visit him when you know he's here to visit me. Do you hope to run into me? I remember the last time I almost ran into you. It was at Paneera Bread. I sat at a table waiting for my friend. I just happened to look up and saw your friend. She saw me, and I looked away. When I looked back, you and her left the restaurant. To be honest, I think I am more afraid of meeting you than you. I know you have changed, and I think that's what I'm afraid of facing. I'm afraid of seeing what kind of person you have become, whether for the best or worst. My friend wants to go ice skating, and I keep telling him to invite you. He doesn't want to because he fears I will get angry or be rude to you. I play that scenario in my head a lot now. If we met, how would I act? Would I ignore you the same as when you dated the ex before me? Would I get angry with you, or talk nonstop? I'm so afraid to meet you again. But I want to see you. It may be a battle of heart and mind. Would we take pictures if we met, and would I reject any camera pointed at me?
I'm so sorry that you think I feel you are playing with my emotions. It's just that, well I hope you are reading this. I did hope you would reply to my message when I said, "If you ever want to talk in person, let me know." Because I wished above anything that you would talk to me in person. Meet me in person, and in that last moment we are together we are reminded why we became friends. Friendship alone was meant to keep us together, and I ruined it. Many times I try to find fault in you, but it's not possible. It was my fault. I should have known more about relationship exclusivity. Worked harder at my job. Respected your privacy and timidness. It's difficult to say how much I truly miss you. I hope one day we do run into each other at random. When that happens, we will have our respective families. We share a short smile and appreciate the time we once shared.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Friday, November 9, 2012
Why you hate me.
Tommy:
想了很久，不知道该不该发这邮件。 或者还是直接跟你说好。 从你在facebook 把我删掉后， 我就再没和你说话。 而你也没有和我说话。
我就很想问清楚。 为什麽把我删了。 很明显你是不想跟我当朋友。 从那到现在， 我一直不知道怎么处理这事。 可能你觉得已经没什么值得处理了， 可是我
一直觉得对不起你因为你是一个很好的朋友。 我每次看到你都不知如何是好。 可能你已经觉得我这人不值得做朋友了。 不过， 我觉得你还是一个很好的人。 所以虽然我这邮件会
给你发这邮件很很冒然，而且在这时候也已迟了。 不过我还是想我要问清楚。 我有这样的念头很多很多次了， 现在终于鼓起勇气问你： 为什么把我删了呢？ 我记得最后一次我们的对
话， 你说那段时间都不开心， 你不告诉我为什么， 不过你说如果我想知道， 我可以看看Dipika 会告诉我不。 是你觉得因为没问， 没关心朋友吗？ 那时候我心里有一个答案， 可是我
觉得如果我的答案是正确的话， 我也不知道该做什么才好。 所以我觉得自己还是不问好。
一直我都觉得自己不知怎么做才能挽救这友谊。 我记得我说过你是我这最好的朋友， 不过你说我们只是朋友。 我一直记在心里。 因为我想我没什么朋友， 而你呢？ 朋友的话很多。
我是这样想的， 那我就在心里当你是我很好很好的朋友。 就算之后我俩没说话， 我也觉得这都是我做成的。 我是很惭悔的。 直到我听我一个朋友说你对我的想法， 我真的很没想到你
是这样想我的。 我有一点气愤， 更多的是觉得冤。
我也是想了很久才写这给你， 我觉得我骨子里没变。 我也没有说要把我朋友都赶走， 有男朋友就行了。 没有， 我真的没有。 我的方法可能是错了， 可是我是很珍惜我在internatioanl
club 交的朋友。 我知道他们认识你比我早， 而且你又是他们的好朋友。 在新学期的一两次聚会中， 我不知道怎样在我明知道有人不喜欢我的环境下和别人互动， 在加上我的语言上又
不好。 我才开始没去international club. 然后我越来越不知道该怎样和他们说话了。 我是很希望去international club 的， 也在facebook 上看到有关的照片也是很羡慕， 很希望自己是其
中一员的。 我方法可能错的， 可是我心里真的不知能怎样做。
冒昧我发这邮件， 请看在我不是很轻易鼓起勇气的份上， 可以告诉我为什么把我从facebook 删了。 我们还能做朋友吗？ 我和Carlo 分手了， 但不是我绝对没其他目的 或是因为我没有
朋友而发这邮件给你。我现在住在家， 是比较快乐的。 如果我过的不好的话， 我是不会发这邮件给你的。 因为我确实珍惜这友谊， 不想在我需要的时候伸手要。
如果你不想跟我做朋友， 我理解， 不过请不要把我想的那么坏。 在一个陌生的环境下， 我的却犯错了。 可是， 我觉得我的本质没变， 真的没变。
我想还是用中文写这邮件吧， 我英文不好。 免笑话了。无论怎样，请你回我吧。
Sunday, September 30, 2012
What a sad mid-autumn festival...
Today is August 15th on the lunar calendar. Pretty late in the year compared to the solar calendar, don't you think? Well considering tomorrow is October 1st, it's pretty late to be half way through August in the lunar year.
Today is such a depressing day. Mainly because it rained all weekend. My friend was supposed to go on a date with a Chinese girl today and I was helping him say "Happy Mid Autumn Festival" in Chinese. It's a big holiday in China. Today, Chinese families come together, buy lots of firecrackers and moon cakes. It's not what you think. It's small round in shape to represent the full moon, and there are so many varieties of moon cake. Some made with nuts. Some made with lotus paste. Others with red bean. And everyone likes a specific kind. I prefer the lotus paste one. Simple. Delicious. Best thing to eat at the end of the festivities.
I'm mostly writing this blog post because of someone in particular. That's right. What really pisses me off is that my laptop broke while I was at work. Basically, I had this manual on my laptop and I accidentally knocked it over, and my laptop died. Before that awful moment, I had been writing letters to my ex every day, just talking about my ideas and such. Just random thoughts. I had almost two weeks worth of letters to her, and now I have lost them all. It's probably safe to say she would not care about the letters. To her, this sort of nonsense is just that: nonsense. Nothing particularly special and a waste of time. I should be focusing on work. Well during that time, I couldn't exactly do work. And now this new laptop is too frustrating to work with. O well.
Last year I spent this holiday lighting sparklers with her. I also joked with her a lot because her name is the same name as the woman on the moon. According to Chinese mythology. That is why the Mid Autumn Festival is important. Everyone prays to the Moon Goddess and the rabbit on the moon. Her name is 嫦娥. Her story can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chang%27e
My ex's name is 嫦. She's so beautiful. I'd joke with her that I would be looking up and praying to her on Mid Autumn Festival. And I would be her little rabbit. Ironically, she is smaller than me, and I am not a rabbit.
Strange that it rained all day. Usually the moon is full, and I would go outside and watch it. I wonder if she is looking for the moon where she is. I'm sure it is much easier to see when you live up on the mountains.
Today is such a depressing day. Mainly because it rained all weekend. My friend was supposed to go on a date with a Chinese girl today and I was helping him say "Happy Mid Autumn Festival" in Chinese. It's a big holiday in China. Today, Chinese families come together, buy lots of firecrackers and moon cakes. It's not what you think. It's small round in shape to represent the full moon, and there are so many varieties of moon cake. Some made with nuts. Some made with lotus paste. Others with red bean. And everyone likes a specific kind. I prefer the lotus paste one. Simple. Delicious. Best thing to eat at the end of the festivities.
I'm mostly writing this blog post because of someone in particular. That's right. What really pisses me off is that my laptop broke while I was at work. Basically, I had this manual on my laptop and I accidentally knocked it over, and my laptop died. Before that awful moment, I had been writing letters to my ex every day, just talking about my ideas and such. Just random thoughts. I had almost two weeks worth of letters to her, and now I have lost them all. It's probably safe to say she would not care about the letters. To her, this sort of nonsense is just that: nonsense. Nothing particularly special and a waste of time. I should be focusing on work. Well during that time, I couldn't exactly do work. And now this new laptop is too frustrating to work with. O well.
Last year I spent this holiday lighting sparklers with her. I also joked with her a lot because her name is the same name as the woman on the moon. According to Chinese mythology. That is why the Mid Autumn Festival is important. Everyone prays to the Moon Goddess and the rabbit on the moon. Her name is 嫦娥. Her story can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chang%27e
My ex's name is 嫦. She's so beautiful. I'd joke with her that I would be looking up and praying to her on Mid Autumn Festival. And I would be her little rabbit. Ironically, she is smaller than me, and I am not a rabbit.
Strange that it rained all day. Usually the moon is full, and I would go outside and watch it. I wonder if she is looking for the moon where she is. I'm sure it is much easier to see when you live up on the mountains.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
She's out of my life.
I'm not as big a fan of Michael Jackson as the rest of the world, but that one song really portrays my feelings without the rest of the mumble jumble.
Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.
I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.
I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.
I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?
Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.
Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.
Last night was the last time we spoke, and it ended horribly. It had been so hard to stop thinking about her. Every minute of every day she came into my head. There's just so much I wanted to say to her and do with her, but I couldn't do it. I'm a real coward. When I had her here on the weekends, I failed to talk with her and listen to her, and when I finally had the chance I blew it. It all began with me messaging her everything in one big message. I really love her. I think I do. I can't let go, and now I have to. When I think about it, am I in love with the memories, or actually with her? For her, inviting me to Jay was her way to repay me. Something she could do. For me, it was to see her.
I wonder if I'm a manipulative person. How manipulative am I, really? There's so much I want to talk to her about. During our talk, she said the words that I've been thinking for so long: "we won't contact each other anymore." It feels like a dream. A very sad dream. A dream filled with memories of everything I wanted. Everything I hoped she wanted. Dancing in the mist of Winooski River. Counting the clouds from the grass. Having the opportunity to hold her. Walking from Burlington to Winooski.
I want her to find happiness so badly. I really should have asked her and talked to her in person. Now she's gone. I remember that day when I was living in Spinner for the summer, and she sent me an email asking me to talk with her and reconcile. For a while I didn't want to speak with her, but needed to respect her courage to email me. I believed so deeply we were meant to be together when I moved into Spinner with her. Maybe not on the first few weeks and month we spent together, but it felt so real to be with her. And it's so difficult to accept that we aren't together, as friends or even acquaintances. Had it been a mistake to date her? I didn't want to talk with her or mention any of my feelings to her because I don't want to manipulate her anymore.
I'm the worst boyfriend. I am. No ounce of that confidence bullshit will prove different. I'm extremely stubborn. So is it better to not be her boyfriend because I'm stubborn that she doesn't change?
Right now I'm listening to 可惜不是你 which translates to "Sadly it isn't you." This song is about a person lamenting the separation of two lovers. He reminisces the time they had together, but has to slowly accept that she may have found another. Though he hoped he would be the one to stand beside her until the end, he realizes the only thing he can cherish was the opportunity to hold her hand at one point. Here are the lyrics in both Chinese and English.
Maybe I hoped too big. There are so many things I wish to say to her. To tell her in person. All I can hope for her now is to find happiness and someone to cherish her more than me.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Why NOBODY likes programming
Author's note. Originally I thought of condensing a year into one post. It's original intent was to be solemn, depressing and sad. After getting to the second paragraph, I realized it couldn't be so. Read at your own discretion. Mostly due to language.
Wow. For starters I haven't been on blogger in a LONG time. Nearly a year since my last post! Holy shit. Well I never expected Blogger to undergo a huge cosmetic shift. I really don't like this new layout. It's sleak. It's nice. But I'm not sure how quickly I'll get used to it. Since, well, I've been MIA for about a year. So what's happened? I graduated..."BORING!" Who fuckin cares? No body. Every year people graduate. Who the fuck cares? I don't know.
You may be reconsidering reading this blog now. "Tommy, why are you so aggressive/pissed off tonight?" I'LL TELL YOU WHY. I've spent the past month and a half...two months actually...and the every hour of last week trying to figure out how to create an online survey. First it was the HTML, which wasn't so bad. "How do you get the website to render the survey?" Well there's a stupid script caleld PHP that needs to read the survey. Ok, just a small snag. So I find a shitload of tutorials to help me write the PHP, and after a few dozen attempts at uploading the PHP and HTML to the server, it doesn't render. WHY? BECAUSE THE SERVER CANNOT READ PHP. What the hell? Okay, one more hickup. PHP.net has a solution. Except it doesn't have the executable file I need. Twitch? Well after a Google, I find it. Ok. Finally the site can render the survey/PHP/whatever. But you know what? The survey can't be emailed! Oh sure, there is a confirmation page. "Thank you for completing our survey!" Yeah, well it didn't do jackshit because it didn't email anything out! Why? I did the HTML! I did the PHP! O? What's that? You need server side script/program called "form handling" or "cgi" to actually have the form/email sent? What the fuck, technology? Why the hell is it so damn complicated to get one survey across the friggin internet into my mailbox? If Harry Potter's owl...actually...if RON's owl PIG can find Sirius Black out there when the, "O, scary bad lazy piece of shit Ministy of Magic" can't, then certainly this stupid PHP should handle a simple request of "send survey to email." But no. You need a middle man on the server side to send it. Oh, what happened, PHP? Can't handle the real internet world? How bout you go suck it and send the stupid survey to my email?
I'm not sure if it is me, mainly because I'm very ignorant and inexperienced, or just that people don't explain it in their tutorials. Whenever someone finishes a tutorial, I think they assume your server can read PHP and has a CGI script that can render the info. WELL I DIDN'T KNOW. I spent HOURS upon HOURS thinking I'm a complete idiot who can't follow along to a 20 minute video and typing $headers, $bullshitbullshit into Dreamweaver. I MADE A BILLION SURVEYS ON DREAMWEAVER AND WATCHED THAT 20-MINUTE VIDEO, PLUS OTHERS, THINKING I CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. When, in actuality, there were parts missing. "Oh, make sure your server can read PHP." "Oh, make sure your server has CGI to render the PHP." "Ohm make sure you're not a dumbass." WELL I AM A DUMBASS.
So to all those IT people who get shit on. I feel your pain. Some people are too impatient. "Oh, my desktop can't connect to the internet! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DESKTOP AFTER I BROUGHT IT OVER TO BE FIXED???" Well did YOU remember to plug in the ethernet cable?
Wow. For starters I haven't been on blogger in a LONG time. Nearly a year since my last post! Holy shit. Well I never expected Blogger to undergo a huge cosmetic shift. I really don't like this new layout. It's sleak. It's nice. But I'm not sure how quickly I'll get used to it. Since, well, I've been MIA for about a year. So what's happened? I graduated..."BORING!" Who fuckin cares? No body. Every year people graduate. Who the fuck cares? I don't know.
You may be reconsidering reading this blog now. "Tommy, why are you so aggressive/pissed off tonight?" I'LL TELL YOU WHY. I've spent the past month and a half...two months actually...and the every hour of last week trying to figure out how to create an online survey. First it was the HTML, which wasn't so bad. "How do you get the website to render the survey?" Well there's a stupid script caleld PHP that needs to read the survey. Ok, just a small snag. So I find a shitload of tutorials to help me write the PHP, and after a few dozen attempts at uploading the PHP and HTML to the server, it doesn't render. WHY? BECAUSE THE SERVER CANNOT READ PHP. What the hell? Okay, one more hickup. PHP.net has a solution. Except it doesn't have the executable file I need. Twitch? Well after a Google, I find it. Ok. Finally the site can render the survey/PHP/whatever. But you know what? The survey can't be emailed! Oh sure, there is a confirmation page. "Thank you for completing our survey!" Yeah, well it didn't do jackshit because it didn't email anything out! Why? I did the HTML! I did the PHP! O? What's that? You need server side script/program called "form handling" or "cgi" to actually have the form/email sent? What the fuck, technology? Why the hell is it so damn complicated to get one survey across the friggin internet into my mailbox? If Harry Potter's owl...actually...if RON's owl PIG can find Sirius Black out there when the, "O, scary bad lazy piece of shit Ministy of Magic" can't, then certainly this stupid PHP should handle a simple request of "send survey to email." But no. You need a middle man on the server side to send it. Oh, what happened, PHP? Can't handle the real internet world? How bout you go suck it and send the stupid survey to my email?
I'm not sure if it is me, mainly because I'm very ignorant and inexperienced, or just that people don't explain it in their tutorials. Whenever someone finishes a tutorial, I think they assume your server can read PHP and has a CGI script that can render the info. WELL I DIDN'T KNOW. I spent HOURS upon HOURS thinking I'm a complete idiot who can't follow along to a 20 minute video and typing $headers, $bullshitbullshit into Dreamweaver. I MADE A BILLION SURVEYS ON DREAMWEAVER AND WATCHED THAT 20-MINUTE VIDEO, PLUS OTHERS, THINKING I CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. When, in actuality, there were parts missing. "Oh, make sure your server can read PHP." "Oh, make sure your server has CGI to render the PHP." "Ohm make sure you're not a dumbass." WELL I AM A DUMBASS.
So to all those IT people who get shit on. I feel your pain. Some people are too impatient. "Oh, my desktop can't connect to the internet! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DESKTOP AFTER I BROUGHT IT OVER TO BE FIXED???" Well did YOU remember to plug in the ethernet cable?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Weights
I wonder how much weight the heart can take before it breaks. Not physical weight. You could crush a heart instantly with a few pounds! Actually I'm not even sure how much would crush the heart, but I'm not motivated enough to Google it.
Anyways I hope you realized I'm not talking about that. It's more like this. At the beginning of time, I used to think guys were real assholes. So I didn't want to be an asshole. I wanted to be the nice guy. But nothing ever came out of that. I used to think girls were sweet and innocent. They were just tormented by asshole guys. In some cases, that is very true. But now I'm not so sure. After college, you learn quite a bit. And I think you can get this same experience in high school, except I kinda missed out.
After typing for a bit, I realized a lot of what I'm talking about it related to older posts. Which, I guess is due to me trying to summarize everything so this post makes sense in case you never read the previous entries.
A little over a week ago, I had an argument with my girlfriend. It didn't begin as an argument. It began with her asking me a question and I gave her my honest opinion. Which I could tell she didn't like my response, but sometimes what you want to hear is not what you need to hear. And she took my opinion very, very hard. It was like, denying a child a cookie at the grocery store because of lack of money or just parenting. She left in a hurry around 10:15, and I had to attend a BBQ at 11, but she left her phone in my room. So, doing the sort of thing I do: I drive to her home. She told me she was going home, so that's where I could find her. Nope. I drive to her work. Nope. Drive back to her home. Nope.
So actually, well, I had to text my friend and tell her that I would be late and kept pushing the time back further and further. Traffic sucked that morning. Who is driving at 11:00 in the morning? Aren't people supposed to work? Well...BBQ yadda yadda then I went to her work to give her the phone. She wasn't there, but her sister was. Later that night, she texted me saying she had her phone. Still, I felt something else was on her mind but at the time, I didn't want to get too much into it. See, I feel that she will never be able to open up completely to me, and I don't know why. I always ask her what's on her mind, and she smiles saying nothing.
After work, she said she missed me and she was a ghost and all this great cute stuff that told me, "Tommy, she's doing okay now." So, with happy thoughts, I went to bed. I woke up the next day, about to go out for the day and she wish me a good day. I was overjoyed. Realizing I needed to clip my nails, I went to get the clippers and found a note on the floor. Not something I left there. With a glance at the folded sheet, my heart sank. I'm not going to discuss what the paper said. If you fell in love with a someone and she took all the happiness out of your soul, then you can write your own words onto the paper.
We sort of argued over the phone when I mentioned the letter to her. She desperately explained the paper, trying to excuse the paper and how it didn't mean anything and it was an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. She wrote it in Chinese as not to embarrass me. It was meant to be on the door, but she was let into the apartment. And she asks me how that note hurt me so much.
The thing is we've broken up multiple times. She said she wanted to see me. She was sorry. And I told her that I will see her again when she appreciates me more than I appreciate her. And she was sad. I know it. But I'm not even sure why she was this sad. It is me who should be in pain. She asked to see me. And...being a VERY VERY SOFT HEARTED GUY (as I have come to learn) I went and saw her. And we talked. And made up, but I don't think I can be the same. Honestly I don't know what she sees in me. She says she loves me, and yet I don't know how much truth is there. We argue so much. We had this talk online. Actually...I can't remember how it started very well. I do remember we got into a really heated argument. She mentioned that she is afraid I will break up with her for something small, like the note. And she asked to change the subject to something lighter. I did and she goes back to something more complex, and I felt so accused with everything she asked me. Vicky. Janey. Those two girls in the past.
And now I'm thinking if there was ever a day that went by that year we weren't friends when she thought about me? Because I thought about her every fucking day. I was tormented by her. It seems as though nothing I do is appreciated. Maybe it meant more when we were just friends. Now I feel like I have to up myself every moment.
Now we get to the near present. The other day I was joking with her and made a kind of rude comment. I didn't think much of it because I was joking, but after I saw her reaction I realized she was very hurt. And I understood why the joke hurt her so much, and I felt so guilty. She said she knows me and my personality, but I could feel something wrong. I apologized again through a text, and she responds by saying, "Don't upset me again."
I don't know what's going on. Today I needed to go to Kohl's to look at jeans and asked her if she wanted to come along. She said sure and she gets out of work at 3:00. But then she said she had work until 5, or later, and we had to cancel. Now it is 5:34 and she has not gotten off work. At least I don't think so. Our text during her break was short lived. Everything is short lived now. I feel that she thinks I'm dating her because there is no other girl here. I feel she has the same reason for dating me. I really care about her, and yet it doesn't seem like I can show her my feelings. In any way, shape or form. I told her things I remember, and she doesn't remember saying some things. So is it my memory that has changed or been altered? Or just created?
I think guys work too hard to impress girls. When I first knew her, I burned her about 13 CDs with music. When I tried to impress Vicky, I made her a Flash animation. With Janey, I told her about my parents and gave her my number if she needed any help. Some people. It's like guys will do anything to impress girls. Not for their own benefit, but just to see a girl smile. And girls don't really appreciate what they have; they simply want more. Well some girls. Others it might not be like that. I really don't want to generalize. The hardest thing that morning when I found the note was contemplating a break up. I don't think she really understands me the way I understand her. It was the hardest thing to put the treasures she gave me into a box. I don't think she understands how difficult it is for me to see her every time we are on the verge of a breakup, or even after a breakup, and when we get back together. I'm sure she finds it difficult and hard every time as well, but I don't know if she appreciates having me. In some instances...I don't know anymore. I don't think she cares about me, but just having a boyfriend. Sigh...and I think my personality works great with that, because of these reasons:
1. I love her.
2. I'm a nice guy
3. I don't want to lose her again
4. I don't want to hurt her.
5. I'm waiting to see how much my heart can take.
I don't know now...if my heart has taken all it can and just rejects the rest or I'm just learning to make space...
Anyways I hope you realized I'm not talking about that. It's more like this. At the beginning of time, I used to think guys were real assholes. So I didn't want to be an asshole. I wanted to be the nice guy. But nothing ever came out of that. I used to think girls were sweet and innocent. They were just tormented by asshole guys. In some cases, that is very true. But now I'm not so sure. After college, you learn quite a bit. And I think you can get this same experience in high school, except I kinda missed out.
After typing for a bit, I realized a lot of what I'm talking about it related to older posts. Which, I guess is due to me trying to summarize everything so this post makes sense in case you never read the previous entries.
A little over a week ago, I had an argument with my girlfriend. It didn't begin as an argument. It began with her asking me a question and I gave her my honest opinion. Which I could tell she didn't like my response, but sometimes what you want to hear is not what you need to hear. And she took my opinion very, very hard. It was like, denying a child a cookie at the grocery store because of lack of money or just parenting. She left in a hurry around 10:15, and I had to attend a BBQ at 11, but she left her phone in my room. So, doing the sort of thing I do: I drive to her home. She told me she was going home, so that's where I could find her. Nope. I drive to her work. Nope. Drive back to her home. Nope.
So actually, well, I had to text my friend and tell her that I would be late and kept pushing the time back further and further. Traffic sucked that morning. Who is driving at 11:00 in the morning? Aren't people supposed to work? Well...BBQ yadda yadda then I went to her work to give her the phone. She wasn't there, but her sister was. Later that night, she texted me saying she had her phone. Still, I felt something else was on her mind but at the time, I didn't want to get too much into it. See, I feel that she will never be able to open up completely to me, and I don't know why. I always ask her what's on her mind, and she smiles saying nothing.
After work, she said she missed me and she was a ghost and all this great cute stuff that told me, "Tommy, she's doing okay now." So, with happy thoughts, I went to bed. I woke up the next day, about to go out for the day and she wish me a good day. I was overjoyed. Realizing I needed to clip my nails, I went to get the clippers and found a note on the floor. Not something I left there. With a glance at the folded sheet, my heart sank. I'm not going to discuss what the paper said. If you fell in love with a someone and she took all the happiness out of your soul, then you can write your own words onto the paper.
We sort of argued over the phone when I mentioned the letter to her. She desperately explained the paper, trying to excuse the paper and how it didn't mean anything and it was an "in-the-moment" sort of thing. She wrote it in Chinese as not to embarrass me. It was meant to be on the door, but she was let into the apartment. And she asks me how that note hurt me so much.
The thing is we've broken up multiple times. She said she wanted to see me. She was sorry. And I told her that I will see her again when she appreciates me more than I appreciate her. And she was sad. I know it. But I'm not even sure why she was this sad. It is me who should be in pain. She asked to see me. And...being a VERY VERY SOFT HEARTED GUY (as I have come to learn) I went and saw her. And we talked. And made up, but I don't think I can be the same. Honestly I don't know what she sees in me. She says she loves me, and yet I don't know how much truth is there. We argue so much. We had this talk online. Actually...I can't remember how it started very well. I do remember we got into a really heated argument. She mentioned that she is afraid I will break up with her for something small, like the note. And she asked to change the subject to something lighter. I did and she goes back to something more complex, and I felt so accused with everything she asked me. Vicky. Janey. Those two girls in the past.
And now I'm thinking if there was ever a day that went by that year we weren't friends when she thought about me? Because I thought about her every fucking day. I was tormented by her. It seems as though nothing I do is appreciated. Maybe it meant more when we were just friends. Now I feel like I have to up myself every moment.
Now we get to the near present. The other day I was joking with her and made a kind of rude comment. I didn't think much of it because I was joking, but after I saw her reaction I realized she was very hurt. And I understood why the joke hurt her so much, and I felt so guilty. She said she knows me and my personality, but I could feel something wrong. I apologized again through a text, and she responds by saying, "Don't upset me again."
I don't know what's going on. Today I needed to go to Kohl's to look at jeans and asked her if she wanted to come along. She said sure and she gets out of work at 3:00. But then she said she had work until 5, or later, and we had to cancel. Now it is 5:34 and she has not gotten off work. At least I don't think so. Our text during her break was short lived. Everything is short lived now. I feel that she thinks I'm dating her because there is no other girl here. I feel she has the same reason for dating me. I really care about her, and yet it doesn't seem like I can show her my feelings. In any way, shape or form. I told her things I remember, and she doesn't remember saying some things. So is it my memory that has changed or been altered? Or just created?
I think guys work too hard to impress girls. When I first knew her, I burned her about 13 CDs with music. When I tried to impress Vicky, I made her a Flash animation. With Janey, I told her about my parents and gave her my number if she needed any help. Some people. It's like guys will do anything to impress girls. Not for their own benefit, but just to see a girl smile. And girls don't really appreciate what they have; they simply want more. Well some girls. Others it might not be like that. I really don't want to generalize. The hardest thing that morning when I found the note was contemplating a break up. I don't think she really understands me the way I understand her. It was the hardest thing to put the treasures she gave me into a box. I don't think she understands how difficult it is for me to see her every time we are on the verge of a breakup, or even after a breakup, and when we get back together. I'm sure she finds it difficult and hard every time as well, but I don't know if she appreciates having me. In some instances...I don't know anymore. I don't think she cares about me, but just having a boyfriend. Sigh...and I think my personality works great with that, because of these reasons:
1. I love her.
2. I'm a nice guy
3. I don't want to lose her again
4. I don't want to hurt her.
5. I'm waiting to see how much my heart can take.
I don't know now...if my heart has taken all it can and just rejects the rest or I'm just learning to make space...
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Society Sucks
Society always has these weird standards for people in life. Media gives people way too many double standards. We are so captivated and indulged in what the media tells us to be. And yet when it comes to reality, we are blamed for following media too much. I don't know if it is me or something else, but when I grew up no one wanted to be that nice guy who finishes last. Everyone was moving with society and doing all the things that, for the longest time, I thought were not ethically or morally correct. Or just too mature for me. Getting a girlfriend at age 12. Sex at age 13. Drinking at 14. Then so on and so forth. And for some reason, I didn't want to do this. I really didn't. Even though society always portrays this as having fun and a good time, guaranteeing to get the girl, it just didn't amuse me. This was back when Scary Movie taught us about house parties and promiscuity. Brittany Spears was a naughty Catholic school girl. And to get underneath all that we patiently waited for the dial up internet connection to bring us still images of naked women.
Well, not to say that I wasn't intrigued by it all, but I really didn't feel right about the whole partying and getting into girls' pants and stuff. I found it really disrespectful to myself and women. It just felt like women should be treated more respectfully. For all my life that's how I thought women wanted to be treated: with respect. Over the course of my life, I kinda realized that's not so true. Sometimes you'll hear them complain after a breakup what a jerk that guy was, but then they go back. Maybe it was because there were a lack of nice guys in the world so they could only go for the bad guy. But I'm a nice guy and I never got the girl.
Bad guys have a lot of traits going for them. Assertiveness. Confidence. All those alpha male type traits. Um this is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo I realized. My girlfriend and I were having this discussion...sort of. The discussion didn't really lead anywhere. I had told her that I liked being the nice guy throughout my many years, and she mentioned something about that is not what girls are after. I can't remember what her response was about what girls want, but he isn't the nice guy. Which made me realize that I'm not the bad boy because I want to girl. I'm not a bad boy cause I'm not a dick. I'm not so sure if you have to be a dick to be the bad boy, but basically I'm not the kind of person who will assertively push myself onto a girl or force her to make decisions she will ultimately regret. Sigh relationships are weird. I think I'm a friends-only kinda person. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my girlfriend. Though sometimes what we do seems repetitive. But the thing is is her outlook on relationships. Because, as the guy, I'm supposed to make the decisions. I'm the one who is supposed to make the calls and buy the presents. And it all seems sort of redundant at times. Actually it'd be great if she made plans. It has nothing to do with the guy being be the one making the decisions.
I think she needs the uber-dominant-alpha male who is going to step up and say, "Hey, we're going sky diving," then force a parachute on her and jump out of a plane. I mean....sigh...it's really weird saying this on here, but I feel like I'm always being compared and contrasted to her previous relationships. It sucks. This is kind of a dumb example, but parallel parking. I can parallel park my van like a boss. Every night I basically have to parallel park. Perfect every time. And yet I can't do it when she is in the car. That's a bad example. But...well the other day we were going to see Harry Potter 7 at the theaters but it was no longer out. And, we were rushing there and I wanted to give her something before we saw the movie. When we found out the movie was no longer showing, I gave her gift. And it felt like that, before I gave it to her, I was waiting for the right moment. I thought about the fair, but I became really anxious. After the first time experiencing her reaction about not getting her present in a long time, I didn't want her to be angry again. Especially when I had the present...just waiting for the right time. Sigh...it's strange. I want to be able to do these great things for her in my way, but it feels like that's not the correct way to do it. People always plan things in secret but the timing is never right. We always hope for the best and perfect outcome and yet...it doesn't work.
The worst thing is the inability to change the past. I can't remember a day since we've dated that I've never thought about her previous relationship. It frightens me the number of times I think about it and how it ended our friendship about two years ago. Sometimes I forget why it ended our friendship. When we began as friends, I did a lot of nice things for her. Now that I think about it, I doubted any of it attracted her attention. It's really depressing. Sigh. It depresses me a lot. I see the pictures of the past, from the apple picking to her trip to NYC. Every memory and event and exchange I have from that year haunts me. I don't know why it lingers on me so closely. Before we dated, I never took it into as much consideration as I do now.
I guess the reason why I'm writing this now is because she texted me this morning asking to spend some time apart. The thing is is that she and her family have some misunderstandings, at least from my understanding. And that's great for her to spend more time with her family. It's just that now I feel there is something more to it. Something she is afraid to tell me. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.
If being a nice guy doesn't get the girl, then fuck that. I don't care. I'm a nice guy because it's better to be single and morally and ethically at peace with the world than to be a pretentious asshole who dominates and overwhelms people for selfish satisfaction.
Well, not to say that I wasn't intrigued by it all, but I really didn't feel right about the whole partying and getting into girls' pants and stuff. I found it really disrespectful to myself and women. It just felt like women should be treated more respectfully. For all my life that's how I thought women wanted to be treated: with respect. Over the course of my life, I kinda realized that's not so true. Sometimes you'll hear them complain after a breakup what a jerk that guy was, but then they go back. Maybe it was because there were a lack of nice guys in the world so they could only go for the bad guy. But I'm a nice guy and I never got the girl.
Bad guys have a lot of traits going for them. Assertiveness. Confidence. All those alpha male type traits. Um this is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo I realized. My girlfriend and I were having this discussion...sort of. The discussion didn't really lead anywhere. I had told her that I liked being the nice guy throughout my many years, and she mentioned something about that is not what girls are after. I can't remember what her response was about what girls want, but he isn't the nice guy. Which made me realize that I'm not the bad boy because I want to girl. I'm not a bad boy cause I'm not a dick. I'm not so sure if you have to be a dick to be the bad boy, but basically I'm not the kind of person who will assertively push myself onto a girl or force her to make decisions she will ultimately regret. Sigh relationships are weird. I think I'm a friends-only kinda person. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my girlfriend. Though sometimes what we do seems repetitive. But the thing is is her outlook on relationships. Because, as the guy, I'm supposed to make the decisions. I'm the one who is supposed to make the calls and buy the presents. And it all seems sort of redundant at times. Actually it'd be great if she made plans. It has nothing to do with the guy being be the one making the decisions.
I think she needs the uber-dominant-alpha male who is going to step up and say, "Hey, we're going sky diving," then force a parachute on her and jump out of a plane. I mean....sigh...it's really weird saying this on here, but I feel like I'm always being compared and contrasted to her previous relationships. It sucks. This is kind of a dumb example, but parallel parking. I can parallel park my van like a boss. Every night I basically have to parallel park. Perfect every time. And yet I can't do it when she is in the car. That's a bad example. But...well the other day we were going to see Harry Potter 7 at the theaters but it was no longer out. And, we were rushing there and I wanted to give her something before we saw the movie. When we found out the movie was no longer showing, I gave her gift. And it felt like that, before I gave it to her, I was waiting for the right moment. I thought about the fair, but I became really anxious. After the first time experiencing her reaction about not getting her present in a long time, I didn't want her to be angry again. Especially when I had the present...just waiting for the right time. Sigh...it's strange. I want to be able to do these great things for her in my way, but it feels like that's not the correct way to do it. People always plan things in secret but the timing is never right. We always hope for the best and perfect outcome and yet...it doesn't work.
The worst thing is the inability to change the past. I can't remember a day since we've dated that I've never thought about her previous relationship. It frightens me the number of times I think about it and how it ended our friendship about two years ago. Sometimes I forget why it ended our friendship. When we began as friends, I did a lot of nice things for her. Now that I think about it, I doubted any of it attracted her attention. It's really depressing. Sigh. It depresses me a lot. I see the pictures of the past, from the apple picking to her trip to NYC. Every memory and event and exchange I have from that year haunts me. I don't know why it lingers on me so closely. Before we dated, I never took it into as much consideration as I do now.
I guess the reason why I'm writing this now is because she texted me this morning asking to spend some time apart. The thing is is that she and her family have some misunderstandings, at least from my understanding. And that's great for her to spend more time with her family. It's just that now I feel there is something more to it. Something she is afraid to tell me. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.
If being a nice guy doesn't get the girl, then fuck that. I don't care. I'm a nice guy because it's better to be single and morally and ethically at peace with the world than to be a pretentious asshole who dominates and overwhelms people for selfish satisfaction.
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