It's a New Year...

**Author's Note: After publishing this, I went to add tags to the previous posts and slowly realized this is not the first time I've felt this way. Each time we broke up I had the same feelings. Fairly consistent. But after all this time that I thought of myself as the victim, at least the one with most damage, that's not true at all. She is more victim than I. I've played and fooled her heart more times than she has ever done to me. I truly hope she has found happiness**

I would say it's the wine right now that's getting to me now, but that'd just be some lame excuse to let me write this blog entry. I think there is just a lot on my mind that for everything left unsaid. Glimpses of your thoughts come to me through friends who message you. Others come from my own methods. But from what I gathered, this much is certain:

1. You are seeing someone or at least have a new interest
2. Our emails hurt you
3. You feel that I interpret your intentions wrong

I wonder how many people try to stay friends after breaking up, and of those breakups how many successfully maintain a friendship. We had gone so far. A whole summer of friendship. I truly miss every moment we spent together. From visiting you at Jay Peak. Sharing the Italian Ice, although I thought it was very strange. Our dinners at Pho Hong and you telling me your work experience. Every fear you had. Your tears. When you messaged me on FaceBook and we'd talk about...well I don't remember what we talked about. Right now I regret it all. Losing you. My greatest fear was that you would find someone at Jay Peak, and that person would not want you to talk with your ex. Me. I would lose you again. I don't want to keep losing you. But then again, the idea of me being your best friend and number one supporter for your new boyfriend came to mind. I would give you advice, and talk with you when you both argued. Would I have been able to stand the pain of watching you with another guy? Every day I wished I had that position. But then again, your new boyfriend may ask you to push me away. Stop communicating with your ex. I had this conversation with Ay Lin's brother. He and I had a drink, and I mentioned we had broken up. He said that Jay Peak has a lot of good looking guys, and most likely you will move on. The truth is so difficult to bear.

There are so many obstacles if I were to be your friend. It happened when we broke up before, but still remained in contact. You'd say things like "大馒头" or "piece of joke." Typing the words feels so strange. I haven't seen, heard or said the phrase "piece of joke" in so long. I miss calling you my "小馒头." "陈小姐." "小陈." Even if we stayed friends, I would never be able to call you those names. I'd have to watch someone else hold your hands. Piggy back rides uphill or downhill. Holding your hand in car rides and you telling me, "Drive with both hands!" Maybe I will name more...Someone else to cuddle with you while fireworks shinned in your eyes. Remember on the Fourth of July, you cried to me at St. Michael's College? I think you were on your period, because you were have really bad cramps. It was my fault to make you walk all the way to the waterfront to see the fireworks. I will miss when you ask me what's on my mind, or the games we played by telling stories of our future selves. Singing songs to and dancing with you. Our walks from campus to Spinner (although that was only a school thing). Saying "I love you." Sometimes I say that quietly.

I can't remember what I said in the previous posts about the letters. I tried writing a letter to you every day when we first stopped talking. There are many gaps as I could not write a letter everyday. Last night, I discovered you are seeing someone new. It was the most difficult thing for me to accept, and I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up so many times. Just knowing that you moved on. It confuses me, though, what my friends tell me about you. You feel that both of us feel pain through our emails. To be honest, I am grateful you replied to me. I was so scared you wouldn't reply the first time, but you built my courage and I tried to fix out friendship. Now, it seems you and I can no longer be something. Not friends. Not even acquaintances. I've lost you completely.

I heard you may visit Burlington on the 13th. This is what my friend told me because he is coming up here. I don't know why you would want to visit him when you know he's here to visit me. Do you hope to run into me? I remember the last time I almost ran into you. It was at Paneera Bread. I sat at a table waiting for my friend. I just happened to look up and saw your friend. She saw me, and I looked away. When I looked back, you and her left the restaurant. To be honest, I think I am more afraid of meeting you than you. I know you have changed, and I think that's what I'm afraid of facing. I'm afraid of seeing what kind of person you have become, whether for the best or worst. My friend wants to go ice skating, and I keep telling him to invite you. He doesn't want to because he fears I will get angry or be rude to you. I play that scenario in my head a lot now. If we met, how would I act? Would I ignore you the same as when you dated the ex before me? Would I get angry with you, or talk nonstop? I'm so afraid to meet you again. But I want to see you. It may be a battle of heart and mind. Would we take pictures if we met, and would I reject any camera pointed at me?

I'm so sorry that you think I feel you are playing with my emotions. It's just that, well I hope you are reading this. I did hope you would reply to my message when I said, "If you ever want to talk in person, let me know." Because I wished above anything that you would talk to me in person. Meet me in person, and in that last moment we are together we are reminded why we became friends. Friendship alone was meant to keep us together, and I ruined it. Many times I try to find fault in you, but it's not possible. It was my fault. I should have known more about relationship exclusivity. Worked harder at my job. Respected your privacy and timidness. It's difficult to say how much I truly miss you. I hope one day we do run into each other at random. When that happens, we will have our respective families. We share a short smile and appreciate the time we once shared.