Life is very strange. I don’t know how I was able to skip out on life as the majority of my peers. Maybe it was fear of what may come if I took chances and made mistakes that stopped me from enjoying some aspects of life. That’s not to say I didn’t have a fortunate childhood. I was very fortunate as a child. But the thing is, most kids try things that they will get in trouble for, but never punished. For me, life was about staying safe and not getting into too much trouble in which I couldn’t afford the consequences. Maybe I was a safe child.
I remember the life of junior high quite well. This is the age I learned to swear. It’s strange learning to swear. Even though I never heard the words before, I already knew “asshole” had more impact than calling someone “stupid.” I don’t know why I began to swear; maybe it had to do with adapting to the culture. 1 out of 8 people were in a relationship. I’m not sure why I didn’t follow my friends and jump into a relationship. I felt kinda strange around this age, because girls became more attractive and ever friendlier. I also became more and more shy and hung out with some people not exactly in the popular crowd because I kinda felt bad for these people. It was actually just one person. People still liked me; they didn’t care much for him.
But the thing is, I don’t know whether my actions or lack of action are because of my Chinese background, cultural beliefs, personal morale or just something else entirely. At that time, I may have been able to get a girlfriend. Maybe not. Who knows? Some girls acted quite friendly with me.
Okay, this post is not about my previous love lives or how I feel about love. The thing is, a lot of my peers throughout high school partied and just got more involved with doing illegal and otherwise dangerous activities. People referenced drugs and the usage that I had no idea what they were talking about. I actually had no idea people actually partied in high school because I was the loner kid who didn’t have many friends. Sure, people knew me, but I was never invited to parties. People dated, drank, had sex, smoked and wow I was surrounded by all this. Maybe at that time, I was more reserved and never talked or asked anyone about drugs and parties. I really didn’t have time for that sort of thing. There can’t be any cultural context behind it, can there? I was actually part of the Chinese party scene for about an hour last time I went to China. These guys were leaving the school and there was a party for them. Teachers were invited, along with myself and my brother and everyone drank 40-ounce Budweisers. Local bands did covers of famous Chinese songs and it was a good time. Maybe I’m generalizing, but partying may be a universal concept. Even the honor students, the most popular kids, held parties. People you’d never expect went to these events and it shocked me to see the photos on Facebook.
Or I could have been too worried about my brothers’ expectation of me if I went and partied. During college, I lived on campus. Hoping to start fresh and new, I actually spent the first month as a loner. I became close to some of the guys in my dorm, and after a month I finally asked them to take me to a party. So my first Thirsty Thursday commenced. Of course I knew what the alcohol was doing to me back then when I first drank, but I didn’t let it completely take over me. While girls from my dorm screamed, “Omigosh, it’s Tommy!” I kept my distance. Drinking and hugging them felt kinda weird. I didn’t want to let the alcohol make me do something I’d regret. Even the morning after was awkward when one of the girls asked how I was doing. She was a girl I had a major crush on for about two years, but I never made a move. Here I am going back to the love thing. I think love is a big factor for me. It’s a huge risk, in my opinion. After some parties, we’d go back and the guys would snort drugs. They’d ask me, “Tommy, are you uncomfortable with this?” Slightly uncomfortable, but I just watched. Then they’d grind shrooms, roll joints and all that good stuff.
Freshman year definitely softened me up. During the day I remained a shy guy. At night, I loosened up. I thought this was my way to find an excuse to let myself be normal. Because when I was with friends in high school, I would act nuts all the time, but with unfamiliar crowds I got shy and quiet. The first night I drank, with only 3 beers, I did go nuts. I knew people went crazy after drinking, so I could do the same. One way it would be real; on the other hand, it would just me the real me. I apologized profusely to girls I liked, telling them that I wouldn’t be as talkative or social. They brushed that off. But I continued drinking to make myself less reserved. It was good. The odd part was when people did drugs. I didn’t do it. Until I watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and thought smoking marijuana would be the same as drinking beer. I could control it. Boy was I wrong.
But all these things are not so bad in my mind. I’m not damaging anyone. People may say, “You’re hurting yourself!” I’m really not. I’m pretty preserved and control myself quite well. That’s because I’m a lightweight and don’t want to waste money on too much. But by this age, everyone has done worst things. People have made out and even had sex by my age. Um, where am I going with this? I’ve only done one, and even the first time I felt extremely guilty. Each time because I was not in love with the girl. I always thought of someone else, even though the person I thought of and I weren’t dating or anything. Have you ever gotten that? You are making out with someone and your true love in actually on your mind? Perhaps in the moment you can’t control your physical needs, but immediately afterwards you regret it. You feel the urge to apologize to the one you love, but she doesn’t even know your feelings? It probably sounds stupid to feel that you are cheating on someone who isn’t even yours. The person I made out said that the relationship between me and her has no feeling, so it doesn’t matter. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m far too ridged with my beliefs.
So I think I’ve reached the overarching idea of my thesis: what is Americanized and what is basic instinct? I’m not talking about the movie. I’m wondering what does it mean to actually be Americanized? Does it consist of all the partying and living the worry-free life or is that a part of basic instinct? Are humans designed to indulge in pleasure or is that just the development of a new culture? I don’t know. People drink to have a good time; others drink to forget. I know why I drink, and that is to satisfy a mental need. But why do other things? Drugs? Why aren’t the natural stimulants in life, the positive and non-lethal enjoyments, not enough to satisfy our physical and mental desires? Everything from our childhood worked extremely well to satisfy our needs.
Well just now… my close friend…and I had a discussion. It was a rather simple topic: me, and how much I’ve changed from her initial perspective of me. Now, I hate saying “close friend” because she is my girlfriend, from what I’m aware of, and yet it seems like we are falling away from each other. Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt me by saying one thing, but on the other hand there may be something pushing us away from each other. I don’t know what it is…but this isn’t about that. This is something else. She said that I’ve changed and no longer the typical Chinese boy she thought I was, and I don’t know what a Chinese girl wants. Which are both true and confusing. One hand, I really don’t know what a typical Chinese guy is like. After she told me to read, I found some articles on Google to help me figure out what a typical Chinese guy is like. She told me it’s wrong. A lot of what I read do reflect who I used to be.
I was the really shy and quiet guy. I still am today, but maybe some things about me are more confident. She taught me to be more confident with her. I guess…you really can’t go back to being the guy who was shy or afraid of holding her hand. Other things. I used to bring her food from the café or just bring her food in general. That didn’t happen as often when we moved in together. But apparently that is not it. I’m not sure what it is that made me change, but is it necessarily a Chinese boy thing? Could it just be someone being a person? I think it’s more about when you are comfortable with someone, any restraints and inhibitions go away.
Next I don’t know what a girl wants. I really don’t. To be loved, felt safe and secure? I’m not really sure what a woman wants. Pleasure? Something more physical? I have no idea. I thought laughter was the best medicine, but apparently not. But then I’m not exactly sure what to talk about. Sigh…I don’t know. Well…ugh I don’t know. I really don’t know.
No comments:
Post a Comment