Hypocrit Finds a Loophole...

So it's happened. For all intents and purposes, it's my fault. Whatever you may hear, it is my fault that it happened. Neither of us harbored any resentment. It was just something I've been considering for a while, not that I was losing any feelings for her. I just thought we were drifting apart because sometimes the conversations would start to become forced or I'd retell the same joke or story. It makes me wonder now how do couples last so long in their marriage? People say it's love, but it has to be a lot more than that. Since we ended on a positive note, I haven't lost any feelings for her. Even after...well that's just a personal side topic.

Let's get this straight, ok? This is not a "it's you, it's me" sort of deal nor is it "I think we should start seeing other people." Actually, this is me saying I'm not good enough for you because compared to me and your dreams, I am financially incapable of helping you attain your dreams. I know there are many more things that could make this list, but that's the one big one. Maybe I have the passion and the drive to support and even cheer you to get everything you want, but I'm just a, well, loser. Haha! Can you believe it? The guy takes the blame wholeheartedly!

Sigh...because of that last paragraph I forgot what this entry is supposed to be about. Um...oh I remember now. The loophole. So this is the loophole. Back in the day, I never wanted to be in a relationship because I knew that you could never be friends once you broke up. So why even begin something that will inevitably end? I valued friendship very highly. Then I met someone who helped me look past my mis-perceptions. I found someone I treated more than a friend, but I still had one part of my mindset that I wanted to preserve. If anything were to happen, I waned to keep her as a friend, but that would be asking for too much. As our relationship continued, with an exchange of braided bracelets and a beautiful wool scarf, I learned some things about relationships and a deep understanding about the ex-factor. Sometimes I wondered why can't people remain friends after they break up. One of my friends said that she would still be friends with her ex because of what they once had and the memories they created. But after time, I understood another perspective. How can you manage to watch your ex kiss, hold hands and exchange gifts with another person while you sit on the side and just be a friend?

For me, I know I'm not an a-typical bad person. Sure I've done some unforgivable things, but I know I wouldn't blatantly go harm someone. Even my ex. Or her new lover. Maybe I wouldn't. The thing is, before this relationship I said I wouldn't do a lot of things. Again, I was wrong. I guess I am asking for too much when I tell her that I'll still be there if she needs help or anything. I told her that if she chooses to go downtown or needs help with anything, she can call me. I'll be there to help her. To protect her. Sigh...what kind of guy am I? I honestly don't want anything in return except for her unquestionable safety.

Would it be different if we said things to harm another, even though they would be lies? That way I wouldn't have to ask her to call me for help and she wouldn't do the same? Have I asked for too much to continue being her friend? Today...I sent her a text at lunch because I thought she'd be working somewhere. Before I sent the text, I thought it would be a bad idea.

Give it time, Tommy.
You shouldn't text her.
You might hurt her.
But she told you to remain her friend and not turn into the Tommy from 2-3 years ago.
Yes, but you can't be friends after a relationship.
Can I be the only exception though?
You are really selfish, Tommy...

Then she didn't reply, and every bold thought highlighted above went through my mind. I should have let go. Wow, 4/7 things up there said I should leave her alone. That's a pretty...well I don't know. Actually...I don't know. We are supposed to meet up next Saturday for an art exhibit. I brought it up. Because, well, we're just friends, right? Is that so bad? Sigh...I have no idea. Maybe it's just the post-breakup mindset now that still retains those feelings for her. I've slowly released everyone I've had a crush on in the past, and not because of some courageous or heroic act. It's because...I think the feelings for her are more genuine. Sigh sigh sigh!

This is the loophole. The ex wants to remain friends but he knows that it shouldn't even happen. Why shouldn't it happen? Because yesterday, after we broke up, we continued hanging out together. And it took so much not to hug her. I slipped up by patting her back. Hitting each other with sticks (playfully). Then...well yeah, it's just like that. It's so hard not to grab her and not let go.