Small thoughts from the previous post...

Well I was going to add a bit more to the previous post about us watching Tarzan...but decided that it would fit more appropriately with this one.

So when she felt tired, she leaned on the arm rest. Both her hands fell under her blanket and she leaned away from me. At the beginning, a plate of fruit sat between us. Then...nothing more than the distance we needed to remain "just friends." And...I'll tell you...that just...killed me at the end because I really liked having her lie on my shoulder. When, at Red Squared, she curled up against me and her head rested on my heart. She...I don't know.

Then...I wondered...last night...why does it all have to be a relationship to have things like that happen? Like...why can't people just hold hands and hug normally without getting attached or anything? Is it because we are human and are capable to developing feelings that we can't hold hands without feeling something? That morning...after Red Square...I hugged her and didn't want to let go. If I let go, she would go away. If I didn't let go, nothing would happen. We could just stand there and forget everything. Nothing mattered...no worries, no obligations. And then all those things would appear and bam, we are buried with work.

It really is my fault...no matter how many times she tells me not to blame myself. I should never have gotten close to her...I should have either said something much earlier or distanced myself more. And while I tell her not to worry about me, she tells me it is her choice whether or not to worry about me. I'm really nothing...I'm the most average guy in the world with nothing to offer other than...I don't know...comfort? And random thoughts and ideas...

Sometimes I wonder if she really...I don't know...feels too guilty about the past. It really isn't her fault at all...she dated someone and I...I just got too emotionally excited and jealous. So...in the end...I've forgiven her and maybe that forgiveness is too much for her to handle. Maybe being a nice guy should have its limits. I don't know...I mean...I'll survive. I'm not going to die...at least not yet. But is it really appropriate to always forgive people? Forgiveness is one of the most fundamental human and ethically responsible facets to human thought. Morally, we should all forgive...but to what extent does forgiveness become impractical? She didn't harm me physically...nor did she harm my friends or family. I don't know...she always asks me what's on my mind...yet I can't tell her. What the hell is wrong with me?

I ask her often if she is ok. She usually responds that she is tired...and yet...I don't know. Even if you don't smile you can still be happy. But...most emotion comes from the eyes. And whenever I look at her eyes...she's...I don't know. She has this painful look in her eyes and I don't know how to help her smile more. Not just show a smile, but be happy inside. In the heart. I don't know...I made her pancakes for dinner, we walk downtown and go shopping...I show her pictures of me in China...we have yet to watch the sunset on Lake Champlain. Is that still possible? Would that be breaking the boundaries of friendship? I really want to watch the sunset with her because...making people happy makes me happy.

Although Twilight may be a bad metaphor, I keep thinking to when Jacob tries holding Bella's hand at the movies and she pulls away, saying that it might mean something different for him than for her. Kinda lame...maybe...but I guess that's how she might interpret things I do. I just...look, when someone is cold, you take off your jacket and give it to the person. You just...hug people when they are cold...or to comfort them. I think that's my thought...but society in general has placed this notion of "oh, only couples to that!" Why? Why can't people go out together for dinner without it having to be a date? Why not just go as friends? Why does everything have to have a reason like that? Are humans really that emotionally involved and am I just emotionally detached? I would think...if a guy broke up with his girlfriend, he might cry. Just a little. Maybe a lot. Stop being that tough guy-guy. I mean...if I could cry, I would. I re-watch Mufasa's death alot. Even the scene when Simba calls for help and when he sees his dad again. I really like watching the scene in which Will's dad leaves him in the Fresh Prince. It is one of the most emotionally gripping scenes in television. I've watched A Walk to Remember about...a dozen or so times. But I can't cry...I haven't cried in so long...that...I've forgotten. Maybe you don't forget how to cry...I just need to be beaten so emotionally that it kills me. Then...I guess I can cry...haha a guy who wants to cry...a guy who can cook...

Also, if you want to learn how to cook, check out my Chinese recipe blog Hou-Mei Cooking!

Oh well...class begins at 11...and then...yeah...too bad the roads are wet and it's raining. Longboarding right now would be great...