So here I am...sitting in the room we broke-up...why?
Perhaps it's the last place anyone can find me...but you're not thinking of finding me. Instead, perhaps you are wondering when and how did the breakup happen, and even more importantly when did we start dating?
Um...well it goes a little like this. See...no one knew when we began dating. When I first told her I liked her, she thought we were dating at that point. I thought that was just us getting our feelings out...and nothing happened yet. So I thought I was actually supposed to ask her out...and I didn't even ask what she thought of the situation.
Last time I put up a post, I basically wanted to express how and why I'm not boyfriend material. But it turned out to be something completely different. Instead, it further complicated things and that's why she became so distant Friday afternoon and into the evening. She commented that I no longer need to be confused and that she believes my friend/ex-roommate will soon be out of my sight very soon. I saw that after I came back from the CCA dinner and she wasn't home. I was extremely worried. That was one of the saddest things I read and I didn't know what to do. Would she come back? Was she ok? Should I call her? Just as I was about to take a shower, she knocked on the door and I opened it and was about to give her a hug...
Well...Saturday night we went to the bars. And...she and I snuggled, slow danced...all these really romantic things and I felt so close to her. More close to any person I've known or met. I mean, even before the bars and the beer, we separated ourselves from our friends and walked together. Then...well drunk me came out and I became very confident at stepping up and holding her hand, her back...I knew what to do, what to say. We found the spaces between our fingers...wow it was magical. Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I laid on the floor next to her while she took the couch. And for most of the night, it was me trying to hold her hand from the floor and comforting her...which I'm not sure why when she kept asking me to sleep and not worry.
Oh...so back to the drinking. We spoke a lot of Chinese. I don't know where it came from...but I wouldn't shut up. And I apologized that I was telling her my feelings when drunk and that I didn't want to ask her out on a date because of the time constraints. But I told her...pinky swore...that I'd ask her out when I was sober.
So the following morning...which began with a headache...began with me joking that we didn't take out the pork chops the previous night for dinner. Then...I asked her out...which she accepted.
I really thank her for this. I mean...she is the first person I asked out and the first person to say yes. That’s just...wow...I just felt really connected to her at this point. We showered (separately or course), had breakfast and went to school. Then we fell asleep from exhaustion...
She then went on the do her play recital and I finished up some homework. Then we went on our date.
Now I don't know if it is me or something else, but I'm always afraid of physical contact. Maybe a high-five or something between guys is ok, but I have a hard time holding a girl's hand. I actually told her that she might even like the drunk version of me better because of his confidence. And then we held hands going to dinner. When we came back...that's when things turned around.
Arguments are very strange. You always remember what they are about, but you tend to forget how they began. We argued about whether or not we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and if we were dating or not. Was it when she asked me not to tell someone, or was it when I asked her if were really dating? She thought we were dating when I told her my feelings. I thought we had to date more in order for it to be official. And this...we talked for about an hour and a half about this. Maybe two hours...and there was so much heartache involved. She...dammit I really hate myself. Because...she had to be the one I broke. I think...no matter what she did to me, it is nothing compared to what I can do to her. Even if the scale is different, I think I can hurt people much more. Because honestly...I do have that nice guy persona. So whenever I make people upset, I think I hurt them much more because no one expects that from me. So we decided to be friends...and see what happens...
I don't know if I can do that. I think...I really like her. I would stay in Vermont...I could. I have everything here...and yet I really want to get out. I'm kinda tired of Vermont...I was born and raised here and I dislike the snow. And random rainfall. But really...I....I don't want us to fall apart as friends because I like hanging out with her. We are almost...so different because of how we grew up (she in China and me in America) and yet it is our differences that helps us teach and grow. The American-Chinese and Chinese-American...haha...sigh...
Last night we watched Tarzan. I kinda...well she helped me wash dishes. I really wanted her to help...and I'm glad she did. Just like...old times. I haven't washed dishes by hand in a week (I've been using the dishwasher). Then...we watched Tarzan...after every other movie link we tried finding failed. Even Tarzan took forever to find. The first few links had sound and video off sync. Then...well we watched and began falling asleep. She fell asleep away from me...on the armrest...
So she left around 10:30 and I...well I went into my room and woke up around 7 feeling like shit. After brushing my teeth, I fell on the couch with her blanket as my pillow and iPod on. I wanted her to see me actually. I knew I couldn't fall asleep...but...I don't know. I just wanted her to see me in a weak position...kinda like a drunk person with sad music in the background...then...after changing the song a second time she said, "Tommy, stop pretending that you are sleeping!" in that...cute little voice of hers followed by a laugh and hand over mouth. Yeah...um...well I wasn't in the mood for happy thoughts. And...I basically just got up...and said, "I need to catch the bus." Then, only five steps from leaving my room I realized I forgot my iPod and cell and went back. She wasn't in the chair when I left...and bam she was right there at the bathroom sink. I don't know if she saw that I forgot my things and knew I'd come back and was planning to jump out and scare me, and she just happened to walk over there or was planning on bringing me her things. And...that saddens me...cause...well last night she remembered to check her purse for my friend's key. And she goes, "Tommy, the key is missing!" Instead of me...I don't know...somehow I didn't joke with her and gave her a look that I've never given her. A look that said, “Just give me the key." It's so sad...dammit...I...I don't know. I thought of treating her like a lot the girls I know...just...ignore them and act like nothing ever happened or will happen...
I took out pork chops for tonight...maybe I can make them for her...
Perhaps it's the last place anyone can find me...but you're not thinking of finding me. Instead, perhaps you are wondering when and how did the breakup happen, and even more importantly when did we start dating?
Um...well it goes a little like this. See...no one knew when we began dating. When I first told her I liked her, she thought we were dating at that point. I thought that was just us getting our feelings out...and nothing happened yet. So I thought I was actually supposed to ask her out...and I didn't even ask what she thought of the situation.
Last time I put up a post, I basically wanted to express how and why I'm not boyfriend material. But it turned out to be something completely different. Instead, it further complicated things and that's why she became so distant Friday afternoon and into the evening. She commented that I no longer need to be confused and that she believes my friend/ex-roommate will soon be out of my sight very soon. I saw that after I came back from the CCA dinner and she wasn't home. I was extremely worried. That was one of the saddest things I read and I didn't know what to do. Would she come back? Was she ok? Should I call her? Just as I was about to take a shower, she knocked on the door and I opened it and was about to give her a hug...
Well...Saturday night we went to the bars. And...she and I snuggled, slow danced...all these really romantic things and I felt so close to her. More close to any person I've known or met. I mean, even before the bars and the beer, we separated ourselves from our friends and walked together. Then...well drunk me came out and I became very confident at stepping up and holding her hand, her back...I knew what to do, what to say. We found the spaces between our fingers...wow it was magical. Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I laid on the floor next to her while she took the couch. And for most of the night, it was me trying to hold her hand from the floor and comforting her...which I'm not sure why when she kept asking me to sleep and not worry.
Oh...so back to the drinking. We spoke a lot of Chinese. I don't know where it came from...but I wouldn't shut up. And I apologized that I was telling her my feelings when drunk and that I didn't want to ask her out on a date because of the time constraints. But I told her...pinky swore...that I'd ask her out when I was sober.
So the following morning...which began with a headache...began with me joking that we didn't take out the pork chops the previous night for dinner. Then...I asked her out...which she accepted.
I really thank her for this. I mean...she is the first person I asked out and the first person to say yes. That’s just...wow...I just felt really connected to her at this point. We showered (separately or course), had breakfast and went to school. Then we fell asleep from exhaustion...
She then went on the do her play recital and I finished up some homework. Then we went on our date.
Now I don't know if it is me or something else, but I'm always afraid of physical contact. Maybe a high-five or something between guys is ok, but I have a hard time holding a girl's hand. I actually told her that she might even like the drunk version of me better because of his confidence. And then we held hands going to dinner. When we came back...that's when things turned around.
Arguments are very strange. You always remember what they are about, but you tend to forget how they began. We argued about whether or not we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and if we were dating or not. Was it when she asked me not to tell someone, or was it when I asked her if were really dating? She thought we were dating when I told her my feelings. I thought we had to date more in order for it to be official. And this...we talked for about an hour and a half about this. Maybe two hours...and there was so much heartache involved. She...dammit I really hate myself. Because...she had to be the one I broke. I think...no matter what she did to me, it is nothing compared to what I can do to her. Even if the scale is different, I think I can hurt people much more. Because honestly...I do have that nice guy persona. So whenever I make people upset, I think I hurt them much more because no one expects that from me. So we decided to be friends...and see what happens...
I don't know if I can do that. I think...I really like her. I would stay in Vermont...I could. I have everything here...and yet I really want to get out. I'm kinda tired of Vermont...I was born and raised here and I dislike the snow. And random rainfall. But really...I....I don't want us to fall apart as friends because I like hanging out with her. We are almost...so different because of how we grew up (she in China and me in America) and yet it is our differences that helps us teach and grow. The American-Chinese and Chinese-American...haha...sigh...
Last night we watched Tarzan. I kinda...well she helped me wash dishes. I really wanted her to help...and I'm glad she did. Just like...old times. I haven't washed dishes by hand in a week (I've been using the dishwasher). Then...we watched Tarzan...after every other movie link we tried finding failed. Even Tarzan took forever to find. The first few links had sound and video off sync. Then...well we watched and began falling asleep. She fell asleep away from me...on the armrest...
So she left around 10:30 and I...well I went into my room and woke up around 7 feeling like shit. After brushing my teeth, I fell on the couch with her blanket as my pillow and iPod on. I wanted her to see me actually. I knew I couldn't fall asleep...but...I don't know. I just wanted her to see me in a weak position...kinda like a drunk person with sad music in the background...then...after changing the song a second time she said, "Tommy, stop pretending that you are sleeping!" in that...cute little voice of hers followed by a laugh and hand over mouth. Yeah...um...well I wasn't in the mood for happy thoughts. And...I basically just got up...and said, "I need to catch the bus." Then, only five steps from leaving my room I realized I forgot my iPod and cell and went back. She wasn't in the chair when I left...and bam she was right there at the bathroom sink. I don't know if she saw that I forgot my things and knew I'd come back and was planning to jump out and scare me, and she just happened to walk over there or was planning on bringing me her things. And...that saddens me...cause...well last night she remembered to check her purse for my friend's key. And she goes, "Tommy, the key is missing!" Instead of me...I don't know...somehow I didn't joke with her and gave her a look that I've never given her. A look that said, “Just give me the key." It's so sad...dammit...I...I don't know. I thought of treating her like a lot the girls I know...just...ignore them and act like nothing ever happened or will happen...
I took out pork chops for tonight...maybe I can make them for her...
No comments:
Post a Comment