An Unconnected Love Triangle...

Sometimes…I wonder if I would be the right boyfriend. Well now at least.

On the morning of the sixth, well VERY early morning around 1:00 am, my friend/ex-roommate and I said good night and she left for her room. Just as I finished brushing my teeth (or was I still brushing me teeth?) she returned, grabbed something and said, “Don’t worry; this will be the last time I come down.”

Of course, I went to bed and laid there for a while, going on Facebook. Then, I heard the door open again and knew that was her. I just didn’t know what she was doing. I heard the kitchen water running. I heard some papers shuffling. Then quietly, the door closed. As a small joke, I posted on her wall that I thought she was in my room.

The following morning, when trying to find my iPod charger I found some offline text messages from her. She somewhat pleaded me to stay awake, saying she had something tell me and she decided not to since it might upset me.

Let me tell you something first. For about a week, maybe two even, I had a hard time coming to terms with my new feelings. It felt very out of place at the time, yet it made perfect sense to feel them. I consulted two of my closest friends about my new feelings, and was actually very scared she felt the same. She’s always encouraged me to go after the other girl (QQ), helped me with my little issues and we just hang out a lot. We drink together, eat together. Um…watch movies, make dumplings. I don’t know. We just do a lot of things together that people may actually assume we are dating. She actually told me that last time we went to the bars, I left the table and her ex-co-worker asked if I was her boyfriend. She said yes, and he still gave her his number and said, “Don’t let your boyfriend know.” She threw it away…but yeah…funny stuff?

Um…well back to the morning. Actually, I finally realized I wanted to tell her. I didn’t know if it was the right time, but after texting each other and persuading her to come down, I told her my feelings. After 15 ridiculous minutes of me explaining everything, from QQ to her and the past and trying to hard to actually say the three words that matter. Not, “I love you.” That’s a little too far. Just like. Writing it to QQ was hard enough. Saying to the girl in front of me was ridiculously painful. Funny thing was she said, “Is it alright if I don’t look at you?” I said, “Don’t worry. I’m going to take off my glasses so I can’t see you.” And then…after trying 5 different methods, I told her. And she texted me, “I feel the same.” And then…well you can guess the rest.

So for a few nights, she has told me about meeting her old co-worker (not the one from the bars) to just talk and chat. Last night, while we were watching The Notebook, she mentioned how it’s strange I don’t get mad or angry when she talks about him. Actually, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. Am I supposed to feel angry or jealous? I mean…we’re not even dating, so would that be appropriate? Maybe jealous, but of what? I’m not even sure, but I guess that’s the reason I can’t talk about QQ to her anymore. I don’t know…I told her to do what makes her happy, but she said that’s not necessarily about happiness. The only thing I’m more uncomfortable with is her…last boyfriend.

Actually…the morning I told my friend I liked her, QQ suddenly came back in my mind. Even though QQ rejected my feelings and whatnot, I still felt somewhat connected to her. I asked my friend, we’ll call J, if I should de-friend QQ. I don’t know if I can. It doesn’t have to do with me hoping one day QQ will return the feelings. It’s just…I don’t know. And it’s because of that I don’t know if I’d make a good boyfriend. While I’m with you I’m still thinking of her sort of deal. That’s…that’s not fair.

So last night, while watching The Notebook, I guess we got as close as we could for the moment. She rested on my shoulder, I kinda passed out on her head. And as sweet and whatever silly romantic comparison, it kind of felt out of place.

What if I don’t really like her? What if now my feelings are just…there because I have no one? That would mean I’m using her, wouldn’t it? And yet…does that mean I complete forget QQ and move on? The best way to forget her is to completely erase her from everything…but…I can’t do that. It’s just..it’s not me.

This morning…when I was thinking about this blog post…it just seems that no matter what happened, past and present, she’s always been there. She mentioned to me yesterday as we sat outside that she read all my blog entries. Honestly I can’t remember all of them by heart, but I do remember what most of them talked about. And…she apologized. I mentioned to her, actually, that fate may have played another game. Perhaps I only met QQ to test my true feelings. Maybe I was never meant to fall in love or like QQ. Maybe, at the end of it all, QQ was a test to see how far and long I could last, enduring that one year and seeing if I could forgive my friend just to tell her my feelings. As my friend J says, that is very unlikely, but would make a great story. But yeah…back to…I just think that even through the negative things that happened, she’s always been there. Even if I didn’t like what happened and all the cruel things I said, she’s always been there. So now…I don’t know.

The nice thing is her respect. Cause…I just feel that this blog is the best way for me to cope with things and express myself more honestly. And I asked her if she wanted me to stop…because in the end if this is the only way I can talk about certain things, then here it will be. She told me to keep writing, because I am a writer after all. O boy….