Love Builds and Destroys

Love and the idea of having a crush are the two most ingenious concepts. They build us and mold us into the people we wish to become, and because of that desire to become the perfect person love is what ultimately destroys us. Movies and books tend to portray love in a good light in which the protagonist is lifted by a significant other and changes for the best. Then you have the opposite of that: the tragic hero. The first example I have in mind is Anakin Skywalker from the Star Wars universe. When we are first introduced to him as Darth Vader in Episodes 4-6, we see no love or emotion in him other than the fear for his Master, and later his love for his son saves him. Looking back on Episodes 1-3, we already know his inevitable fall to the Dark Side. We are introduced to the human side of Vader when he is under the tutelage of Obi-Wan, secret marriage to Padmé and the loss of his mother. He is such a tragic character, and though we can argue against his choices he must turn to the Dark Side. His love and connection to his mother already separates him from the Jedi Order. Then his love for Padmé ultimately destroys him as he lets nothing intervene in his hopes to finding a way to save her.

I do have a point to all of this. I’m not reviewing a movie that came out nearly 6 years ago. For many of the past blog entries I’ve posted, they related to either to the girl I thought fate allowed me to meet and then the girl who broke our friendship. Well there’s an update on that one. She and I are friends again, and we’ve been friends since last September? I think it was last September…2010. Well now she and I are roommates. Now that we’ve established that, I will refer to her as “roomie” just to keep her anonymous.

Now as you may know, I’m somewhat a fan of fate. Only from my experience meeting the girl on the train. I don’t wanna call her “train girl” cause that just sounds very strange. Let’s call her…QQ. Before last February, and last Chinese New Years, she and I talked a lot on QQ. So the girl from the train is “QQ” and my roommate is “Roomie.” That should be simple to remember, yeah? Well I moved out of Spinner to campus, and ended up moving back to Spinner and became Roomie’s roommate. Could that have been some intervention of fate? I don’t know. If it was fate that made me her roommate, then what is the underlying meaning behind it all? Now to the original intent of the blog…and yes, these three paragraphs are all related…

Back in December, I sent QQ some messages regarding “secrets” I had and that I liked someone. She asked me questions about who this girl is, if she was in the same school as myself. I think these little conversations of responding to each other’s posts became more intimate than chatting on instant message. Last week, I tried to bring back our old conversations by talking on instant messaging. Last week could have easily been one of the happiest weeks of this New Year. Most times we talked, I usually had to leave early for class. Even though she’s in France, six hours still separated us. Which is still better than her being in China and having a twelve-hour difference. Only thing is that at least when she was in China, I had an excuse to not talk to her because she would be tired or I would be going to bed. Now, it’s a little more difficult.
Anyways, there came a mishap last weekend through the early hours of the morning (2am-5:00am) that I will not get into. What I will say is that when I returned to my place, I was more than terrified of what happened during those three-hours. I went online and QQ was there. Of course it’s around 11am in France at that time. With one simple instant message, I waited for her reply. As the digital clock changed with the passing minute, I grew anxious she wasn’t there. But when she did reply, all the worry in my mind passed.

So what the hell does this have to do with, “Love and the idea of having a crush are the two most ingenious concepts. They build us and mold us into the people we wish to become, and because of that desire to become the perfect person love is what ultimately destroys us.” To be honest, I feel that I am losing my original feelings for QQ. Originally I planned on telling her the truth after Chinese New Year so she wouldn’t have to think so much. But now, a week after Chinese New Year, I feel that I’ve lost those feelings for her. Even if I think back to how I met her (http://freefallinasian.blogspot.com/2010/12/where-does-fate-come-from.html) that seems almost pointless. Shit now that I’ve actually started writing this, that feeling has struck me in the chest again. For a few days it hasn’t even happened. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of talking to her. We had so many great things going for us during the first 6 months we knew each other. We instant messaged so often and up until February 2010, we suddenly stopped talking.

Love is crazy. It can help shape us to be better people, turn us into the ideal person. But like everything that has rules, love can easily take away everything and destroy us. Bah I’m off to class.