What's worse than a cheater?

This is kinda old news, but it gives me something to write about. Besides, I haven't written anything for a LONG time, but I have a lot of drafts I haven't worked on for a while...I should get on that. PROCRASTINATION 101. I have faced exactly what I tried so hard to avoid…losing memories. Not forgetting memories: losing them. Relationships are horrible when something goes wrong and end badly…because all the time you two spent together is only part of the imagination. The good times will never happen again…I never wanted that to happen and avoided close relationships. Something is bound to happen…and those memories that are merely shadows of the heart. But in this case…there was no relationship beyond being friends…which is why it hurts more profoundly…

So let's see....how bout I start from the beginning. Earlier this year...let's say February 2009. Facebook confirms it was February 2009...I just checked the wall post, okay? So back then, I met my first Chinese friend...in all of Vermont...and after 20 years of being the only Chinese kid in the group...I made a Chinese friend. And it's nothing that exciting...the first Chinese girl...oooooo....not like I haven't had an encounter with an Asian chick before. I went to Chinese school when I was little and made hardly any friends there cause I was a dumbass...plus I made many Chinese girls in China when I was there for a year. But this person was my first Chinese girl-friend in America. And I put very little emphasis on the word "girl-friend" cause now I don't give a damn.

So anyways...she and I did a lot of fun things together. The first day I met her, the two of us plus another friend went to Ben and Jerrys, came back and made her a Facebook. As pissed as a I am at her, I'm not gonna sabotage her. So no name for you stalkers! Then, we hung out a lot. Walks downtown, playing Chinese chess at Ben and Jerrys, snowball fights, helping her write essays...me teaching her English while she helped me with my Chinese...while tolerating my really ear nerving American-accented Cantonese where 近视 sounds like 干屎 (near-sighted and constiapation). It was all fun and games...of course I'm not the guy who goes and asks her out cause I was having my own conflicts with other people (I was single at the time anyways...but anyways...)

One day, she asked me to help her write her paper and I said sure...I'll meet you in the library. All goes well...she's on her gmail, I'm waiting in a room for her...she walks in balling her eyes out crying. Well that doesn't go so well...so I basically go out, grab some tissues (paper towels, actually) and give her a hug. Of course she doesn't wanna talk about it...she just wants to do the work. Obviously, whatever caused her to cry is affecting her train of thought, so I run down to the cafe, get some ice creams and she takes chocolate. Over the course of the second semester, I introduce her to many of my friends. She seemed...introverted...almost unable to make friends on her own. She'd tell me, "It's very hard to make friends" or "you're so lucky...you have so many friends."

Being Chinese, I called her 大小姐 (little-big mistress) and she'd call me 华仔 (Chinese boy...Cantonese nickname). We actually said “bye-bye 华仔” “bye-bye 大小姐.”We used to run into each other when crossing the street...she asked me once, "Do you think it's fate that we met each other?" to which I didn't even know how to respond...

But anyways...I never asked her out cause...well I'm busy, she's busy...we're all fuckin busy. That's not even a good enough of an excuse. Anyways...so over the summer, I basically went o China. She and I communicated via gmail...her summer was boring with nothing to do...work every day at Wendy's while painting the school...while I'm having a blast in Xi'An, Guangzhou and everywhere in between. I actually bought this damn necklace for her too on Mt. Huashan (华山)...of some little wooden girl. The necklace was cute...she was cute too. She liked skipping a lot...very innocent the way she did it. Like a little kid. So I told her...I'd try to hang out with her when I get back to the US...we could even go to Canada cause I'm going to visit my relatives anyways. I was able to visit her while she was working...painting away...but I didn't want to give her to necklace yet.

When I moved onto campus, I went onto Facebook and asked her to call my friend so I could meet up with her (my friend...not her). This would be the last time we ever spoke sincerely, because the next day, I saw her walking with this guy. I was at this freshmen commemoration event. And it didn't bother me at first...but the two of them diverged away from each other and walked around me without saying a word... I knew the guy. He and I were friends last year...always trying to find a time to spar. We'd joke, play some pool...do guy stuff. But after that day when I saw them together...I don't know what happened. She stopped talking to me...he gave me looks of "be careful, I'm gonna kill you." Wow I was freaking out. She did talk to me once in a while...only when he wasn't around. I thought he might be controlling her...not allowing her to talk to me. That's just horrible. Over time...she began to fall away. Separating from her group of friends to be with him…maybe he was controlling her? She didn't even introduce him to her own friends! No one knew about him!

Then I met her ex-boyfriend. When I first met him, I didn’t even know they broke up. She introduced me to him anyways…how was I supposed to know? He and I became good friend…instant messaging each other and stuff. I gave him her number cause…I figured they were good friends…when he told me the truth of their relationship. So I was able to…after a LOT of convincing…to get him to get rid of the number all together. She even told me she didn’t want to talk to him (before I knew she was going out with this other guy).

I’m not gonna put any slander here…destroying her name…but she deceived the hell out of me! She plays this innocent girl who says she has no friends…and she has this boyfriend based on her desperation. And don’t think her ex-boyfriend has anything to do with this…she moved to America to follow her father and the ex studied his ass off in China, facing TOEFL and similar English exams to get into America to be closer to her…she felt he betrayed her. How is that possible??? First boyfriend attachments??? So she needs someone and immediately dates the first guy she meets? I’m not sure if that’s even true…but I’m damn certain that he’s the first American boyfriend.

So he’s here now…she doesn’t want to speak with him…nor does she want to speak with me although she considers me her “good friend.” I told her never to call me a “good” friend cause I feel extremely betrayed. I don’t care if she has a boyfriend...there are more fish in sea. I don’t buy that. Sure, it’s true…but it’s the most selfish thing to say. Imagine it…you just jump from person to person and dump each person and not giving a damn about the memories you spent and shared together. Was it all just a dream? You know it happened…you saw it and experienced it…but it’s just a fabrication of the past? I feel cheated that she lied to me about her summer, her life…to what end I don’t know! Don’t play innocent and think you can get away with it…people find out. Especially in a small place like Burlington, *******.

And still…she thinks we’re still friends. After segregating me and everything I helped her with…helping her find herself…I don’t even know if I contributed at all! She asks for my help and advice on the possible breakup…wtf am I to say? She says: “You’re so lucky. You’re so happy.” I haven’t had a real conversation with her since I knew about her boyfriend…how does she know I’m happy? “You have friends.” Fuck that! I know she feels the friction…she has to. It’s so blatantly obvious…our conversations end with my sudden “bye.” I avoid her completely…is it my fault? Who started it? Should I confront it? I think she needs to confront it first while having the strength/courage to talk to her FRIENDS while being with her boyfriend. And this is exactly what I don’t like…Americanized Chinese Girls. Or anyone Americanized in particular! I know I’m Americanized…I was born here! I at least have a decent excuse…but if you move here and conform to society’s standards, what have you become?

I know the events happened…they are struggling memories in my mind. I’m like the hung over memory: I can see the faded flashbacks, but I can never return to the moments that made me smile.